A Geek Girl's Blog

Cruuuuuise!

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:52:00 +0000

Whoops haven't written in awhile - sorry! I haven't really been that busy or anything.. just haven't been in the writing mood lately I guess. It happens! :) And I'm actually thinking of writing a book soon, too!! odd. hehe. I think I'm going to write a sci-f novel but targeted for a female audience. There are just not that many women into sci-fi and I want to change that, and have them appreciate the genre more. How I'm going to go about doing that —- I don't know! The only thing I do know at the moment is that my main character's name is going to be Zorla. :) That's about all I got..for now. Lol.

I am SO EXCITED!!! November 23 I am going on a 10-day cruise to Panama Canal with my mom and sister!! YIPPEE!! It also stops in Costa Rica, Aruba, and Curacuao!! YAY YAY YAY!!! My sister and I are going to dive in Aruba, and in Costa Rica we are going to go hiking through a rain forest. In Curacauo we are going to see how the liquor is made - you know, blue Curacauo - and go on a folklore tour. I seriously can't wait. My sis surprised my mom and I too but upgrading to a suite with a verandah! I have NEVER been in a verandah suite on a cruise before!! I feel like such a princess!!!! THe only thing that's gonna suck is no cell phone or internet coverage, so I won't be able to talk to Kevin. There will be an internet cafe on the cruise that I can go email him then but they charge an arm and a leg per minute. I can't remember how much it was last time, but I remember paying about $30 just for using the internet. SHeesh! I guess that's a lesson learned, to just throw those things away for a week and just sit back and relax without any electronica rotting your brain like it does every day in the real world. I told Kevin I would email him, but I'm also going to try and just relax for a week without the internet. I could probably use the break anyways! I actually get eye strain and a twitching eye sometimes if I use the computer too long. lol! geek injuries.

Aww I just got a nice compliment from one of the managers downstairs. He always calls me asking for help with various things and today I helped him with our email system, Groupwise. I guess he called IT asking for help and they told him it couldn't be done. Um, yes it could be done because I just did it. haha. He said I "was better than IT." I wouldn't go THAT far, but it's still nice to be appreciated and complimented. :)

Kevin's b-day is tomorrow! The big 39. He hates his age and his gray hair and thinks he's getting old, but I think he's sexy as hell. Gray hair is SEXY. I am so excited about his birthday. We are going to Hermann MO (wine country) this weekend and staying in a Bed and Breakfast! That's what he wanted was a romantic weekend getaway, so I picked out the B&B. It's really cool, it's in this builiding that was built in 1899 and I guess this particular B&B was in the top 1000 things to see before you die book. Awesome huh? Only 999 more to go after Hermann! Hehe. I can't wait. I also got a few more cool things that I can't disclose just yet, because he might be reading this. :) But guaranteed he will love it. :) I can't wait to give his his gifts. I have never been so excited about anyone's b-day before!! Woo hoo my baby's special day!!!!

Today is Veterans Day. Kevin was in the army for 14 years and served 2 years in Iraq in infantry. Before infantry he was a flight engineer for special ops. He's done a lot of covert/secret things he can't even tell me about, but he has told me a lot about Iraq. Wow. That's all I can say.. wow. He is a hero. Everyone who has ever served in the military is a hero to me. He's been through so much.. I mean he was right on the frontlines in a HumVee sitting at the turrret at the top. He's seen everything. He's been through everything. I get chills just thinking about it, and I can't even watch any war movies anymore without getting tears in my eyes because I always think that could have been him! Thank you baby for everything you've done for our country! I love you so much!! My HERO!!!!!

I have a little hole in my left hand right now where the dermatologist decided to remove yet ANOTHER mole! Ugh! This one hurt so bad because it was in the PALM of all places. The stitches were annoying me so much that finally yesterday I just pulled them out while sitting at my desk LOL. I probably shouldn't have done that, but seriously try moving your hand around with stitches in it.. yeah... doesn't work too well. :)

Oh yes and diet... HA!! What does that word mean? I'm still 165 lbs though so whatever, I'm good. Not after this cruise though lol I'm probably going to gain 10 lbs. But who cares?? That's what cruises are all about! Good eating!

Health

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:39:00 +0000

I'm not going to jinx myself and call this thing I'm on a diet, but my "lifestyle change" or "live-it" so far is going amazingly well. Granted, it's been 3 days, but usually those are the hardest, and I find myself not struggling with food at all. :D I have cut down my calories so much. I eat about 600-700 for breakfast/lunch and then come home and eat whatever Kevin makes for dinner (usually about 300-1000 cal depending on what he makes). Dieting is kind of like a science. To lose 1 lb, you have to burn 3500 calories. That means you have to eat 3500 calories less than what you normally would. I think I was eating about 2500/day and now I'm down to 1600 or less. That means I will lose about 2 lbs/wk. WOOT!! Oh, and I'm refusing to use the scale. I'm not going to step on the scale until I'm done with my diet. Why, well, I don't want to be discouraged. I also don't want to get the notion that if I lose weight rapidly, that means I can go have a box of Twinkies. That's not the way this works hehe. So, I'm going to avoid the scale for 2 months. I should just pitch that thing all together. Who really gives a f*ck, you know? :)

So.. I haven't had a beer in 4 days and I barely even care. I am going to get those Miller MGD 64's though and drink one every now and then as a snack. I don't believe in omitting things entirely from a diet because you end up going crazy and will go on a pig-out rampage. It's better to cut back and allow yourself a treat every now and then. My weekends will be my relaxation time where I can eat whatever I want - the only caveat is that I must monitor what I eat. Kevin said he would help me, so I have tons of support already! I'm already on my way to feeling better about myself and my body!!

My ingredients for success: support from others, determination (where being stubborn is a good thing hehe), and a positive attitude. Believe in yourself and good things will happen to you.

I think I weigh 165-170 lbs last time I checked, but I'm not entirely certain. When I moved here 3 years ago I was 135-140 lbs but I had just gotten out of the Air Force.. so unlikely I will ever be that weight again lol. Realisticly I'm thinking I should be about 145-155. I still want to keep my curves because being a toothpick is not my idea of beautiful (to some it is, but not me). And yep I don't have much weight to lose - even better!! :)

I'm drinking 8 glasses of water a day too, something I haven't done in years. Water is so vital to good health because it flushes out all the toxins in your body and hydrates your cells/skin. It's the best vitamin!!

I haven't touched a cigarette in 6 months as of tomorrow. I feel amazing. I can't stand the smell anymore and I feel sorry for people when I see them smoking or hear a raspy voice. I think, "yeah I was there once." Quitting smoking has been the best decision for my health I have ever made, and I am never, Never, NEVER going back to that lifestyle. I am better than that, and I want to live until I'm an old wrinkled woman. I work in a heart hospital and most of our patients have or were former smokers - about 70% of them. Most of them are in their 50-60's. It doesn't take that long before all those toxins in cigarettes destroy your heart and lungs. Death is possible from heart surgery too because it's such a complicated procedure (about 4-8 hrs) and puts a huge strain on the heart and body. Most of these surgeries/deaths could be prevented if they never decided to smoke. It's just so sad. See.. I think about that whenever I gaze behind the counter at the packs of cigarettes. Never want to touch those stupid things again.

So that's my thoughts for today - health. Next on my list is exercising but I will do one thing at a time, thank you very much (my excuse for procrastinating) hehe. I think I'm going to take up jogging again. ;P

Ghosts, spirits, and higher planes of existence

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:58:00 +0000

I can't explain how I'm feeling right now other than I'm completely, 100%, madly in love. I have never felt this way about anybody before.. nor have I connected so well with another. It was like we were meant to be together. Soul mates. And I kind of knew Kevin was my true love - I saw "him" in my vision when I overdosed on cocaine when I was 19 years old. I want to talk about this further with everybody, because it's really interesting. I also want to explain about George (our ghost in the house - don't laugh). :)

Most of you know I OD'd. I talk about it often because it was a very traumatic, life-changing experience for me. I had stopped breathing for a time (unknown how long I was knocked out for) and while I was unconscious I had a very vivid and clear near-death experience. God talked to me, I met my guardian angel, I walked in a tunnel -typical near-death experience. However what was unusual about mine was that I was given glimpses of my future (not the past as most people report they experienced). These glimpses evolved in front of me in a circular pattern and were about the size of tv screens, in full color, then would fade away after a few seconds of "play". I saw many odd things I didn't really understand at the time, and still don't. But one that stands out to me was the picture of a couple, whom I knew was my husband and I. He was shorter than me with grayish hair and a little overweight. I was a little overweight in the picture too, and older. We were waving and standing on a big lawn in front of a cute white house with a huge front porch around it. I can remember this still as clear as day, even though it happened over 10 years ago. I remember thinking to myself who is that man? What kind of house is that (because it looked unlike anything we had in CA). I was very puzzled, but at the same time, I felt enlightened. From then on I waited. I knew my true love was out there somewhere and would come to me. I also knew I wasn't ever going to marry a tall man. I never told this to anyone I dated, but it was just something I sensed, and knew. :) (And yes I'm absolutely fine with this - height doesn't mean anything to me; a person's soul is what counts). Several years pass and the guys I dated came and went. And then I met Kevin.

I will be honest, when I first met Kevin at Buffalo Wild Wings I barely even gave him a second glance. I was dating someone at the time, so I wasn't "looking" nor was I even really "noticing" other men. But he sure noticed me. :) After my ex and I broke up, well, the rest is history. That first date was when I realized this man was unlike any other man I've met before. I just felt something I haven't felt before. Pretty much from that point forward was when I knew that man I saw in my vision was standing right in front of me. It was almost like a part of me that was missing, like a puzzle piece, finally snapped into place. :)

George

I have never seen a ghost before (other than my near death exp) until I saw our house guest, whom we've named George, about 2 months ago. I woke up early one morning, about 4 am, because Charlie was whining and pawing at my arm. I looked down at Charlie and when I looked up, there was a man standing there plain as day. He was overweight, wearing blue faded overalls, and holding what looked like a garden hoe in his right hand. His hair was gray and slightly balding on top. In my sleepy stupor I thought it was Kevin so I said, "hi baby" until I realized immediately that this definitely wasn't Kevin!! This man looked at me for a few seconds, smiled, then said something to me (which I completely missed since I was wearing ear plugs), and then vanished. I immediateyl woke Kevin up and told him I saw a ghost! I was so excited and told him if he comes back I'll wake him up. Kevin was like omg NO lol lol. I was thrilled. Why, I don't know, but I am not afraid of ghosts at all. I think because I came so close to the edge and back. Which is why I think George appeared before me and not Kevin, so he wouldn't scare him. I at first thought George was a ghost living in our house, but after mentioning this story to a few people I came to the conclusion that our ghost friend was actually Kevin's guardian angel. My friend Jenna thinks that George was watching over Kevin for me until I came into his life.. and now that I'm here, George went back to the heavens. I do believe that's true because I haven't seen (or heard) any signs of our house guest since then. I also think George was trying to tell me to take care of Kevin for him. I didn't hear it audibly, but I just sensed that was what he was trying to say. :) Indeed I shall. I want to take care of Kevin until the day I have to part ways with this earth, and move on to a higher plane of existence. Till death to us part. But not part.. because we will be together in heaven, too.. someday. :) because we were meant to be together... because we are soul mates.

Freedom From Food

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 20:53:00 +0000

I just stepped on the scale and almost cried. I lost 7 lbs! As a recovering binge eater/bulimic, this is AWESOME news. I have noticed too, that snacks I have bought 2 weeks ago are still on the shelf. Maybe even 3 weeks ago. This is also a first for me in about 2 years. Usually when I buy a snack item, it's gone in a day or so. The entire box/bag. I'm so proud of myself!!! Does this mean I'm healed of all eating disorders? When can I actually say I'm healed, anyways? I mean how do you know when you've fully recovered? Or are you always in recovery?

Wow, what a nice feeling I'm experiencing right now. I just feel so much more relaxed with my relationship with food, and my body. I'm not obsessing anymore about every little calorie (like I used to). I used to mentally add up in my head how much I ate for the day, and how much I had left to eat. Isn't that sad? Now I just eat what I want. For example, I used to purposely not eat cheese or peanut butter because it was "fattening" but you know what, f-that. I had a Subway sandwich the other day with Pepperjack cheese (for the first time in probably 10 yrs) and you know what, it was f*cking good too. haha. So the hell with it you know. I think that's why I'm losing weight, too. Because I'm not depriving my body of anything now, so I don't crave anything. I hardly even eat sugar anymore, and I've been eating salads like crazy. STRANGE!! I love this newfound freedom!!

Woot!!!

My past 3 years of hell

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 14:30:00 +0000

Kevin is finally back from his Moab trip! We didn't get too talk too much because he came home right when I had to get ready for work, but we will definitely catch up tonight. ;) He was gone 10 days. Way too long.. I almost felt like a part of me was ripped away. I have never missed someone so badly before, and here I was stuck in med hold in basic training for 3 months!!! 10 days, lol and I couldn't even handle it. Geezzzz.

Anyways, my thoughts this morning are a bit dark, despite Kevin's return. Actually it has a lot to do with him and how he has transformed my life around for the better. Allow me to explain..

As most of you know, I originally moved to Kansas 3 years ago to be with my ex (let's call him "Jack"). Jack and I had dated long distance for about a year before I actually decided to move. There were tons of warning signs that Jack was well, a jackass, but I overlooked them or was blinded or something, I don't know. One of the first red flags was when Jack told me absoutely never in his entire life would he move to CA. Never, never, never. Didn't even consider moving for me.. I had to move for HIM. Yet a few years later, he was thinking about moving to Orange County, CA if one of his contacts offered him a job. Hmm. And then, when I did eventually pack up all my shit for the 3 day trip to Kansas, he refused to fly out to help me. He was too busy with work, he said. I had to move across the country alone. Mind you, I am a big girl and can take care of myself, but that's not the point. A man should have a protective nature for his women built in to his system. I know if I was a man I wouldn't be comfortable having my woman drive alone with a uhaul for 3 days. Even when I used to fly out to Kansas to visit him (which was about 95% me visiting him), he would stay in his car sometimes to "keep the car warm for me." I now realize it was b/c he was cold and wanted to stay warm. He didn't give a crap about me or he would have gotten out of the car and waited for me in the airport. With Jack it was every man for himself. Everyone must take care of themselves. "I was raised that way." was his explaination, and I was supposed to accept it. I protested of course.. oh did I protest and stand my ground. It drove him absolutely bonkers when I would stand up for myself and fight with him. I was accused of many things, including selfish, "wanting someone to take care of me like a princess", spoiled, in need of counseling, depressed, messed up, needy, etc. etc. etc. It went on so long that finally I started believing it was true! That I was the f*cked up one. I was thinking to myself, "man I'm a horrible girlfriend.. I better stay with Jack b/c I probably won't find someone else who wants to be with me." and the emotional/verbal abuse began.

I left Jack and moved into my own place only *3 months* after I had moved to Kansas. I remember thinking how free I felt living in my own apt, away from his shit and shenanigans. But after a few bad dates with other guys, I came crying back to him in the same belief that no one would love me like Jack had. He comforted me and made me feel good (on his good days), and I remembered those good moments over the bad, so it made me want to stay. Jack was a kind hearted person, but with a mean core that came out whenever he would lose control or whenever something wasn't going his way. He was literally like Dr. Jekkl and Mr. Hyde. I too, was like that when I was around him. I would be really sweet and kind and then whenever something happened that set him off, or if he did something to set me off, I would swing into a rage too. I threw things at him, screamed in his face, called him names, called the cops on him, pushed him, cried endlessly, suffered bad panic attacks.. the list goes on. I hated myself for who I was and what I had become. I mean that just wasn't me in that body. I had literally lost my soul by being with this man. He took it away from me like he took so many other things away from me, one being my freedom.

I remember feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I had to ask permission to go anywhere.. he didn't demand I do that, but I had to, otherwise it would just create more problems. I tried to be as nice as possible to him so I wouldn't upset him (literally, like walking on eggshells). Every little thing used to set him off. If I was to go out, I had to break down every little detail to him: where I was going, when I would be back, who was going to be there, etc. etc. Then he would pout and fall silent and say "have fun." He made me feel very guilty for wanting to go out with my friends, so I usually just canceled and stayed home to be with him. I felt awful for not asking him along, but at the same time I never wanted him there because he just wasn't fun to be with. Every time Jack and I went out to a public place, he would grow silent and not say a word and look around nervously. We couldn't go to any restaurants that were crowded because of his social anxiety, and if we did go, he would barely say 2 words or talk so quietly I had to keep saying "WHAT?" It was total hell going anywhere with him. And I had zero friends b/c I always declined invites. So, I became a prisoner in my own home. I actually enjoyed going to work just to get away from him, and cringed whenever I heard him coming home. I used to have 2 jobs at that time, the hospital and cracker barrel, both of which I enjoyed very much. We never did anything on the weekends so I worked weekends at cracker barrel. It was a lot of fun for me to get out of the house. Yet, Jack did not like that. He pleaded with me to quit so that we can spend more time together, so when my manager pissed me off about something minor, I did just that - quit. In my heart I didn't really want to leave CB, but at the same time I wanted to make Jack happy, and I did want to spend more time with him, so I decided that was best. Jack promised me we would do more things together on the weekends. Did he fulfill his promise.. nope. Not having a weekend job just drove me more and more into despair because I had to be home more. My mom commented to me just recently that during my entire relationship with Jack, she had never, NEVER seen me so depressed in her entire life. She was right; I was completely miserable. The tears always fell day in and day out. The screaming and yelling continued. And because I felt I was the main problem, because he made me feel that way, I stayed with Jack, determined to show him I was a decent and sweet human being.

Other examples of living with a control freak/abusive person:

- Used to smash things in front of me when mad

- I hated Valentine's Day because of him. We never did anything special. Because I hated it, he didn't try to make it any better for me either. He "forgot" to buy me cards/gifts (I had to remind him) and one year we stayed home and ate take-out b/c he didn't want to battle the crowds. oh and when he did buy me roses, he would comment how expensive they were, making me feel guilty for living.

- Laughed when I asked him if he could cook for us. We used to cook our own separate meals, buy food separate, & keep things separate. We never shared anything. He would make lavish meals for himself like bbq pizza and I would stand there hovering like a hungry dog without a bone, waiting for a piece. I would get so happy just to have a piece of his creation and feel unworthy of having seconds.. lol.

- Bills were broken down to the last cent. Literally.

- Refused to let me park in the carport. He pointed and said, "I think that one over there is unoccupied." he would chide about how smart he was that he found that spot. Meanwhile, I'm out there in the snow scraping my windshield every morning while his windshield always remained dry..and I left 2 hours earlier for work than he did.

- Complained about me wanting to read before bedtime every night, something I absolutely love doing (the light being on bothered him). I eventually had to give that up. :( Talk about restless sleeps.

- Complained about me playing WoW and having myspace. I eventually had to give both of those up, too, because it bothered him. I also had to remove certain friends from my profile that he didn't like, or that he thought I was "flirting" with.

- Complained about me spending too much time working on jewelry.

- Made fun of me for liking certain things, like horror movies or true crime books. "why do you read so much true crime" or "I think you have a problem" were some of his comments.

- Wasn't very supportive. Absolutely HATED the fact that I wanted to go in the Air Force. Told me I wouldn't do well in it. Told me I wouldn't do well at several things, like an EMT.

- Rarely paid for me when we would go out on "dates". Always 50-50 about 99% of the time.

- When I complained that we never went out to dinner and that I wanted to go, he said, "we did go out to dinner.. to IHOP, like a month ago." Like that should have been good enough I guess... how dare I ask for more dinners!

- ALWAYS made comments about him being broke and wanting to save money, so we never went on vacations together. Not one. He never wanted to go anywhere. When I bought him an entire trip to Walt DisneyWorld for xmas one year (ticket, air, AND hotel), he almost looked disgusted. Oh and then whenever he said he was broke, he would go buy himself lavish presents. I remember once he said he was broke and couldn't do anything, but then the next day I got into his truck and was staring a nice new Garmin GPS.

- Called me "easy" in front of his friend.

- Everybody hated Jack. All my friends did (what little I had at the time), my family, my bosses, even my cat. Everyone told me he was bad news and that I needed to leave him. My friend Nick hates him entirely and he's never even met the guy, nor does he want to. Nick said he would kick his ass if he ever saw him. Actually, a lot of people have told me that, including my sister and my sisters friends. Sad.

So that is my story in a nutshell. Basically this went on for 3 years. I became a very scared, fearful person but also an angry, naggy bitch - completely NOT my personality at all. And I never really realized that I was a "victim" of domestic abuse until much later when I finally left him for good. And that's when Kevin came along. :) He is completely the opposite of everything I am used to, which I am extremely thankful for. He is so thoughtful and sweet. I looked out this morning and saw that he parked his Jeep next to mine, so I could get out easier for work. I mean just something so little such as that.. such as parking your car a certain way.. just really touches my heart. It means he is thinking about me. something that is foreign to me. I got so used to "every man for himself" that it's been a little difficult even comprehending that someone actually cares about me, as he does. I am still affected by Jack though. I find myself being afraid to ask for things, like the desk that I wanted in the basement. I always expected confrontation so I am still a little edgy about things, but I am slowly healing with each passing day. With each day that Kevin is with me, my wounds are closing. And I don't want to think of myself as a "victim" of emotional abuse but more as a survivor. A survivor, who has been saved by her wonderful boyfriend Kevin, whom I love him more than anything in the entire world.

The Butterfly Effect

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 22:25:00 +0000

Well I'm glad people are reading my blogs. I was starting to think nobody was. It wouldn't really matter to me one way or another, but it is nice to know that people are interested in what I have to say. :)

Right now I'm thinking about the Butterfly Effect. If you haven't seen the movie, you should go watch it because it's really intriguing and has a lot of truth to it. Another movie that deals with this topic is Germany's Run Lola Run (Lola Rent) - another awesome film!! I'll pull up the exact definition from answers.com: "(physics) In a chaotic system, the ability of miniscule changes in initial conditions (such as the flap of a butterfly's wings) to have far-reaching, large-scale effects on the development of the system (such as the course of weather a continent away). "

I was sitting here just thinking "what if?" I mean I've been through so much in the past three years. What if my parents never divorced? What if I didn't get discharged from the Air Force? What if I decided to stay in California and never moved to Kansas? What if I decided to move back HOME to California? It's so fascinating to me to think about what my life would turn out like had I decided to take a different path. It's a little scary to think about too!! I mean think about it - one little motion can have an impact on your entire life. This is so true. What makes me think about this is when I first became friends with Nick (my best friend). We were at a co-workers retirement party at Jayhawkers and casually knew each other from work, but never really talked or anything - just hellos and goodbyes when we saw each other at shift change. Well, I decided to change seats from my friends and sit next to Nick that night. Why, I dunno, but had I not done that, would we have ever became friends? Maybe, but probably not as close as we are now. Would I have ever joined the Jeep club? Probably not. Would I have ever met Kevin (my boyfriend), since I met him through the Jeep Club and Nick? Highly doubtful. It's so fascinating.. how one little thing such as a seat change. Even DECIDING to go to the party in the first place. I mean.. wow... :)

That is why when I make a decision on things, I think about it for awhile and weigh the pros and cons and try to find the best solution. Because of this chaos theory. I also try to choose my words carefully.. even one word can f*ck up an entire relationship or friendship. So intriguing.

Here are links to those 2 movies I was talking about. Go see them!!

http://www.amazon.com/Run-Lola-Franka-Potente/dp/B000021Y77/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1245797882&sr=8-1 ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1245797882&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Butterfly-Effect-Infinifilm-Ashton-Kutcher/dp/B0001Z52RU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1245798121&sr=1-1

Jeep Jeep Jeep!

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 02:25:00 +0000

I tried going to bed about 2 hours ago and couldn't, so I'm just going to write in my blog for a bit. I took a vicodin for my back expecting to pass out already, but I think my body is getting used to pain pills. That and they don't work entirely all that well.. I mean they dull the pain a lot but my back is still hurting and probably will for awhile. Wheeling yesterday probably wasn't the smartest idea for my back either, but well.. it's one of those "gotta go do" type of things. :) I had so much fun!!! Kevin, me, Nick, his girlfriend Heather, Reed, Kevin M, and Cory all went to Kansas Rocks, a 4-wheeling park about 2 hours south of here. It was my first time there and MUDDY as hell! Everyone drives without doors so there was mud everywhere. I ended up getting in a mud fight with Kevin M too, who almost pushed me into a huge mud puddle! My bf Kevin grabbed me just in time but then I went chasing off after Kevin M and smeared his shirt good with a handful of mud. We consisently did that to each other throughout the day lol. He got me good in my ear and I got him accidently in the nuts. By days end, both Kevin M. and I were the muddiest ones of all LOL it was so funny. Then we went to Buffalo Wild Wings afterwards all looking like shit and stinking, but no one seemed to notice!! haha!! It was just a perfect day. It's so cool too that Kevin's friends all adore me... and I love them too! They are such a great group of guys.. really down to earth and sweet (even though they try to act like hardasses - yeah I can see RIGHT through them hehe). One of the better parts of the day was when Reed turned to me and said, "I feel like you're the little sister I never had." Aww!!! I could have hugged him right then and there, but I didn't because I know while you're Jeepin, you're in the zone. The man zone I guess you can call it. But I did call out to Reed later and tell him that we are officially brother and sister now, and he said "OK!"... hehe.. it was just awesome. I feel like all of these guys are part of my family now. :) Pretty cool, how I feel closer to my friends here in KS/MO then I ever have with any of my friends in CA. The people here are just nicer and care more about others. Generally speaking of course.

I still haven't taken my Jeep out, and after KS Rocks I doubt I would want to. I can't fix my own Jeep and I would really have a heart attack if anything happened to it. And I don't like the idea of "honey please fix this" or "help me I'm a helpless female" either. Plus I keep getting flashbacks of doing endos back in the day when I used to dirt bike ride. I SUCKED at dirt bike riding.. always crashing and shit.. Soooo I am probably going to stay a passenger. Which is totally fine, but I know I'm going to get a lot of crap for it in the club. I get a lot of crap now for not wheelin but I don't care. To each his own, right? I don't have to wheel to be cool. :) People that wheel are cool though. :)

"I'm in it for the ride, baby." I should get a t-shirt. Seriously though - just riding along with the guys and admiring all the scenary and flowers and trees... and camping and all of that fun stuff.. well... is just perfect. It brings me back to when I was in college and always camping and having fun with my friends. All the laughter and jokes and late night drinking around the campfire.. yeah.. pure bliss. And sharing these moments with my boyfriend, well, I'll just put it this way... I'm a lucky girl. :D

Summer!

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:35:00 +0000

I've been having the best summer ever and it hasn't even really started yet lol!! Oh man, the NIN concert last Wednesday kicked ASS - Trent Reznor sounds absolutely amazing live.. wayyyy better in person. And Rockfest on Saturday - well that was just awesome. I had fun looking at all the crazy people walking around (all 50,000 of em) and my boyfriend and I pointing them out to each other lol. Lots of boobies and bellies hanging out that shouldn't have been hanging out hehe. And I got to see Theory of a Deadman!!! I was so happy. They sound great live, too! There were about 15-16 bands there total, including Shinedown, Rev Theory, Saving Abel, Korn, and Drowning Pool. It was soOOoooO hot though omg.. I kept dumping water over my head and walking around in soaking wet clothes. I was totally happy after I did that though because it kept me cool. And I didn't even get a sunburn on any part of my body, unlike most people... wow. I saw some people that were just completely crimson red. Ouch!!!

Camping next weekend but forgot where we're going. I still need to get a sleeping bag! I'm so excited. I haven't camped in sooooOOoo long.. I haven't done anything in so long and I am very, very, VERY glad to be up and out of the house. :)

I'm getting a few new tatts soon - the pics on the right —>. I want to get the Star Wars rebel insignia and the jinx skull/nerd, but I haven't decided where I'm going to put them yet. My boyfriend said if I get the rebel logo, he will get the Imperial symbol to match mine. When he said that, I turned to him and said, "I f*cking LOVE YOU!" lol. He said I should get the power on button somewhere and I think I might just do that, too. :) Geeks FTW... yeah, we are both geeks, and I love it. We get along so great because of that.

Everything else going well. I'm moving in 3 months.. more details to follow as the time gets closer. :) More etsy postings to follow, as well. I haven't been shopping much lately, so that is why I haven't been posting much. Go economy and lack of funds!!!

My awesome boyfriend Kevin

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Wed, 27 May 2009 16:21:00 +0000

Kicking things up a notch - it's time for happier topics, like my awesome boyfriend. I have completely fallen head over heels in love with this man, and it was purely by ACCIDENT! Don't you just love those happy fairy tales? We have one of those!! He is so great.. I can't stop talking about him or thinking about him. He has completely revived my life. I felt 60 years old in a 30 year old body for the longest time.. but now I feel like I can live again. We have so many shared interests - so many in fact, that I am just beaming!! Omg! You mean I can actually have fun with my life now, and SHARE my enthusiasm with another person?!? It was what I had always wanted in my significant other, but never really was able to find! Why it was so hard for me or why it took so long.. I don't know!!! But I'm soooo thankful now that I have found him, and he has found me! We found and rescued EACH OTHER!

It's so crazy and strange how life can be sometimes.. how you can stay with somebody for so long and figure that this is the best you can do, and that you probably won't find anything better. I truly believed that for years!!! WHY!?! WHY should you settle for something? I think back now to all the previous relationships I had.. and if I would have just settled, I would have been completely miserable!! THANK GOD I waited to get married!! I HAD to wait.. some people are lucky and find their true loves immediately and get married, but not me. God wasn't ready for me yet to find my true love. Maybe he wanted me to find myself first? :)

Kevin, you are amazing. I love you for everything that you are and how you make me feel each and every day. I can't even put into words how I feel about you, but I hope you know that I love you very, very much. Thank you sweetheart. xoxoxoxo

Thoughts on jealousy

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:40:00 +0000

So my thoughts yesterday were about jealously, so I thought I would elaborate on this further. First of all, this is really one those emotions that is a waste of your time. To be jealous of somebody is to wish you had more in your own life. Why cause yourself to suffer this way? Love yourself for who you are and appreciate YOUR qualities and YOUR life.. do not send out negative energy to the universe, because it will only radiate within you and cause you more pain. Accept that some people in this world will always have more than you. It's just a fact. Big deal.. enjoy just being you and what you have. Do not be so concerned about what you don't have. If you live a life always wanting more, you will always receive less and less.

I am delving into this topic because I lost *3* friends in the past week alone due to this silly emotion. Is it fair, no, but I must accept their decision and move on. It hurts though to watch somebody walk away for no reason other than just being yourself. But if they are happier without me in their life, then I guess that makes me happy too. I wish them the best in life and hope that one day, when they look in the mirror, they will see themselves without distortion... and be able to smile back.

Thoughts on breaking up and relationships

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:11:00 +0000

I feel like I have been given a new chance on life. Just when I thought things couldn't be any more miserable, there he was. As soon as he heard my boyfriend had broken up with me, Kevin asked me out, and I accepted. Was it too soon, eh.. my ex and I weren't doing well to begin with. He was actually an ex that I went out with again because I really felt in my heart that we could work things out. Did I love him, yes, but not the way he wanted. And did he love me the way I wanted, no. There was a reason we broke up last year and I should have listened to that inner voice that told me not to go back.. but I did anyways. My stubborness gets me in trouble sometimes. I am now a firm believer if you break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, there was a reason WHY you did, and you shouldn't try to patch things up again. You should just learn from each other's mistakes and move on. All the hurt, all the anger, all the sorrow and tears that were shed previously for each other just comes back when you get back together again. It doesn't go away. And you're always wondering if he/she will hurt you again, and if you will hurt them. So no, reconciling a previous romance = epic fail. I am over it. I feel better just knowing this simple truth that breaking up means another chance. Another chance at falling in love, caring deeply for another, and possibly finding your soul mate that we all deserve to find.

Epidural

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 02:03:00 +0000

Well I had my epidural today for my herniated disc and tear in my back. It definitely was NOT as bad as what everyone was telling me.. but then again I told them to please sedate me as much as they could haha. The doctor even told the nurse, "this one needs more juice." hahaha. I was so drugged up, I don't even remember the doctor really doing anything. I just remember him commenting about my Gumby tattoo on my back "we aren't going to hurt Gumby" and then the next thing I know, I'm told I was done. Anethesia rocks is all I can say. Whoever invented this fine medicine is a pure genious. I didn't even have to be hooked up to a monitor, tubing, or drips or anything when they put the IV in (like regular surgery). All they did was put the open IV in my arm and then bandaged it down with medical tape. The nurse then came in and injected me with the anethesia directly from a syringe into the IV. In about 2 seconds I felt like I was walking on clouds. No pain whatsoever. And I feel tons better already. I am so glad I went and kept my appointment. I am a total needle phobe and pass out a lot from shots, so I actually canceled my original appointment out of pure terror. But, when my back pain kept nagging at me and hurting I finally got brave and begged for my appointment back. It was well worth it.

So the moral of this story? When people grimmace at you and tell you "it's gonna f*cking hurt" or say comments to you about how large the needle is, just ask the doctor to sedate you as much as possible. What needle? I didn't see anything. What pain? It didn't hurt at all. Thanks, Dr. Kahn!!! :)

For more information about epidurals: http://www.spineuniverse.com/displayarticle.php/article1177.html

Life

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:14:00 +0000

It's raining today and I love it!! I hope it keeps raining by the time I come home so I can relax and read. Last night I fell asleep reading on the couch at 8:30pm haha - the rain just lulled me to sleep. Luckily I keep my cell phone by me at all times and I have my alarm set to go off on it every day, just in case something like that happens. Which it usually does - I am always passing out. If I lay down for even 5 min I'm usually out. Maybe I have narcolepsy. Lol.

I've been doing great these days. I finally quit smoking for GOOD this time about 3 weeks ago. I was using the patch until I got fed up with them peeling off all the time - so now I'm sucking on those lozenges (probably a tad bit too much). They are so gross but once you get used to them they are like crack. I am almost out of my bottle so I ordered more on ebay - 3 packs of 24 for $19. I should probably buy some more haha. This lady at work quit smoking using the lozenges and she said 5 years later, she is still buying them. I guess it's ok to be addicted to nicotine as long as you're not smoking all those chemicals and crap.. right?

I'm finally losing weight too, and I did nothing but changed my eating habits around a little. My binging/eating disorder has finally died down too. I think I became bulimic from using Wellbutrin last year. I don't know why, but it did something crazy to my brain and I was more depressed than ever and just eating non stop. Thankfully I haven't had any "episodes" in about 2 months now. YAY! I'm pretty sure I am now a recovering "binge eater" because I don't feel the need to go on crazy eating sprees anymore. I was suffering from it so bad for about 2 years. It was awful. I used to come home and eat, and continue to eat for about 3 hours straight. I was putting about 4 - 5k calories in my mouth a day. I almost checked myself into a recovery clinic, it was that bad. But now I just eat slower and try to avoid the kitchen except when I'm preparing food - and I also stopped buying any snack foods, since that triggers the attacks. I can easily eat a box of cereal in one night, or cheezits, crackers, cookies, etc.. so no more snacks for me. It sucks when you open my fridge and it's totally bare, but I am in recovery, so I have to do what I have to do. :) I am happy nontheless, because I have made such substantial improvements. Now if I can just shake the 30 lbs I gained from all this, I will be a really happy camper! haha!

Oh and even more good news - I'm going on a 10-day cruise for Thanksgiving with my sister and mom! I am so excited. Kristi surprised me and said she is paying for everybody because she had a good tax return. I almost cried.. I thought that was so sweet of her. All I have to do is pay the airfare to Florida (where the cruise leaves out of) and excursion money, so about 1k for everything. :) We are going to the Panama Canal with stops to Costa Rica, Aruba, and Curacauo. This will be probably my 15th cruise - no joke! I used to use my tax return every year for vacations all the time, back when my family was an actual family (RIP dad - who hasn't died physically, but emotionally is gone). I have been to a lot of fun places like Venezuela, Jamaica, Haiti, Cancun, Grenada, St. Vincent, etc. and have scuba dived at almost every single place we've been to. I'm an experienced diver. From the looks of me you would never know, but I'm a good, strong swimmer. So is my sister. We are the fabulous "Diving Kinards." I can't freaking wait to go!! AHHH!!!

Well time for another crack lozenge. I'll try to write more on here when I have time. :) xoxoxo Jen

Some of my recent purchases

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:14:00 +0000

I've been on this buying spree lately but still managed to get my credit card bill under $500 this month - crazy! Anyways, I thought I would share some of my latest purchases (from Etsy of course).

Handmade chopsticks. I fell in love with these immediately and didn't even really read the description - just clicked and bought! Haha. I got two pairs as shown from http://windandrain.etsy.com/ . I thought these were so beautiful, and only $7 each!! Great deal. The one on the far left has little Koi fish and the one next to it has maple leaves. I will put these to good use, as I eat rice every day. :)

Luna Moon Owl ACEO painting - as most of you know, I collect ACEOs which are miniature art cards the size of trading cards. I have about 100 of these now sitting on my coffee table in a binder. They are my PRIDE and JOY and I love them all so much. This cute little one-of-a-kind watercolor owl one was purchased from http://theowlbarn.etsy.com/ and $7.

Hungry Caterpillar and Wild Thing 1 inch recycled stamp magnets. These are really cool - they are button magnets made out of recycled stamps, and only $2.50 for a set of 2. The artist uses a high quality magnet for them too so they hold securely to the fridge (or wherever else you would like to stick them). These are both some of my favorite childhood storybooks, so I had to get them. From http://faffcreations.etsy.com/

Two Green Robots. I actually haven't bought from this guy in a LONG time, but I will be again here pretty soon. He makes awesome little robot figures out of recycled capacitors. They are tiny - about 1 inch tall - but they are just too cute to pass up. They look great on your office desk too, if you're into geekery like me. Check out his store at http://obviousfront.etsy.com/

Robots!

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 22:32:00 +0000

Today's blog is dedicated to robots. Why? Well - robots are awesome!!

I really like this T-shirt! http://happyfamily.etsy.com/ makes all kinds of geeky screen printed T's, such as wind energy, vintage bicycles, and dinosaurs! Very unique and affordable - this shirt is only $16!

Bender earrings from http://charliecarter.etsy.com/ - her shop has all kinds of neat clay creations, like Pac-Man, Monsters Inc, and Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man from the Ghostbusters! So original and cute! I love her shop!

Robot notecards made by http://vivalaviolette.etsy.com/ - a set of 8 for only $11, printed on white linen cardstock. CUTE CUTE CUTE!!!!

And the absolutely too awesome to pass up robot zippy by http://kaylah7.etsy.com - she has a bunch of fun zippies for sale that are well made and full of charm. :)

Crochet's the Day

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 17:41:00 +0000

Today I'm featuring crocheted items. Pretty soon I willl be learning how to crochet - my class starts in 2 weeks! I don't know if I can get as advanced as these crafters, but we'll see!!! I might be pleasantly suprised. :D

I fell in love with this little guy - he's fairly decent size (12 inches) and only $9!! Hand crocheted with love by http://ArrivingAngels.etsy.com

These Star Wars amigurumis are ADORABLE. They are about 4 inches tall and I believe the seller makes these into keychains if you shall so desire. CUTE!! I love Star Wars so I had to feature these little guys. Made by http://deadcraft.etsy.com

http://pinkalligator.etsy.com makes the cutest crochet baby hats I have ever seen, like this owl one. Isn't it awesome? She has several different styles such as a pig, elephant, and hippo.

I love skull/gothic stuff, and this skull hat is screaming for me to buy. Gorgeous black and purple colors. Made by http://Funkiefresh.etsy.com

Funny Cops in Kansas

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:47:00 +0000

I saw the funniest thing yesterday. There was an unusual amount of heavy traffic yesterday around 4:30pm as I was driving home from work. Well, it turns out the source of the traffic was because of a trooper sitting on his motorcycle drinking a Slurpee!!! LOL! he was just sitting there leaning back, watching traffic on the highway and sipping his drink. I swear only in Kansas lol. It was really hot yesterday though, and then we had this crazy thunderstorm that lasted about 2 hours. It was SO LOUD! I love the rain but wow sometimes it can really make me jump.

I am really excited, Jessica and Travis are coming into town next weekend (my friends from CA). I am going to take them to the Haunted Houses (www.kcbeast.com) - they open up this weekend! I think we might go to a few bars too but it depends how much time they have. They are actually here for a friend's wedding but wanted to spend time with me, too. :D

I am thinking about going on a little mini-vacation by myself somewhere, sometime in October. I have no idea where yet but I was thinking of doing the totally random thing like Michigan, Ohio, Chicago, Memphis, etc. Traveling is good for the soul. I'm really leaning towards Memphis. I keep hearing great things about TN and it's a beatiful state from what I have seen in the airport.

I will post some more of my Etsy purchases in my next blog. I am a buyer/consumer just as much as I am a seller, and I LOVE it!

Beautiful ACEOs

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:40:00 +0000

I have a collection of over 80 ACEOs now and love every single one of them. I keep them all in a handmade binder on my coffee table and look at them whenever I feel the need for a cheer up. They are so beautiful and so unique in their own way, it's hard not to smile. <3>

For those of you that are wondering what are ACEOs, it stands for "Art Cards, Editions, and Originals." They are original artwork the size of trading cards, 2.5" x 3.5", and can be any medium - watercolor, collage, acrylics, photographs, etc. The whole purpose behind ACEOs is so that we can collect art that's affordable, and small enough so that it's not cluttering up our walls. It's a wonderful idea to me and so fun of a hobby because of the broad spectrum of artists out there, and the many styles of art. I personally favor watercolors and ORIGINALS. Every single one of my ACEOs is one of a kind, which makes them even more valuable to me. I love my collection and would probably grab my binder first in a fire. No joke! LOL!

Here is a small sampling of my collection, and some of my favorite ACEO'ers. Please check out their shops and support Etsy artists!

http://smalltownartist.etsy.com/ Smalltownartist features gorgeous watercolor ACEOs at a very affordable price, with free shipping. She is a very kind hearted artist and would highly recommended her to anybody wishing to start or expand their ACEO collection.

http://onekeenekat.etsy.com/ Onekeenekat creates stunning watercolor ACEOs and is very nice to deal with. She even painted an ACEO of my cat which is framed on my dresser. <3>

I definitely cannot forget http://backroomtreasures.etsy.com/ She has lovely ACEOs of just about any subject, such as animals, landscapes, flowers, and trees. Her prices are very reasonable too and her shop has a wide variety of ACEO originals. My favorites from her are her seascapes. They are just beautiful!

Latest and Greatest :)

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:39:00 +0000

Wow I haven't written on here in quite some time - I'm SO SORRY! I've been very busy. Between dealing with my ex boyfriend, moving (I move into my new apartment in 2 weeks), and juggling work/school/Etsy it's been hectic! I love it though! I am really happy with the way my life has turned out. A complete 180 literally. I am going on 3 months now of not smoking, and I'm soooo proud of myself. :) And I'm really excited about my new place. I am buying a full living room set tomorrow at Nebraska Furniture Mart - a sofa, loveseat, 2 end tables, and a coffee table. Oh, and a rug. Can't forget the rug. :) I already have it picked out - it's at least $1200 for everything! Plus I want a flat panel LCD or plasma TV (haven't decided which one yet, but leaning towards LCD) and that's going to set me back at least $500. Thank God I save money for when I really need it. I really do need furniture. Otherwise I will be sitting on the floor!!!

I love school. It feels so great to be back in a classroom again after 4 years! I am taking a volunteer class right now called Tree Keepers for Heartland Tree Alliance. We are in training to be certified tree caretakers - i.e, tree planting, pruning, etc. I'm also taking about 4 craft classes (non-credit) and 2 entrepreneurship/small business classes (credit) to help my Etsy biz. I might get another degree in Entrepreneurship, but we'll see. :)

Everything else is going great. Work is fun. A lot of people have been telling me it's good to see me smiling and happy again. I feel the same way. :)

The Worst Food in America

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Wed, 28 May 2008 20:58:00 +0000

Food Kills!! Like literally. Check out this website it's a total eye opener!!
http://www.menshealth.com/eatthis/20-Worst-Foods/index.php

Randomness and Happiness

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Wed, 28 May 2008 20:41:00 +0000

Ok I thought this was really cute. A co-worker sent this to me. :)
how do I love you let me count the ways. 1. you are a great organizer 2. you are kind 3. you laugh at my jokes 501. you help me with my non-organizing skills 1007. you help me with my new job

Isn't that nice? That just totally made my day. Compliments go a long way and I think a lot of people don't know how to use them enough!! I did my part this morning and sent an email to Officemax complimenting their courier! Seriously if you ever feel the need to tell someone they are wonderful - DO IT!

Work is going well and has picked up quite a bit. I have been very busy lately - today I was actually sweating! That's when you know you're working too hard. :P It's kind of funny my hours are supposed to be 0800-1630 but I always come in early every day (close to 0730). Well, I never asked anyone if I can work 0730-1600 but I guess it kind of worked itself out.. because the lady that does the scheduling acknowledged my hours as 0730-1600. LOL. I was like, cool!! This job really rocks sometimes. I get so many privledges and benefits it's unbelievable.Sometimes it's SOOOO hard to be here but other times I can't imagine myself NOT being here. My 2 bosses (yes 2) are really cool too. I can just email them and go "I'm not going to be here next Wednesday" and they're like "OK!" lol. Once I told them I need a day off so I can take my cat to the vet lol and they were totally fine with that. I mean holy crap, am I lucky or what??! :P

Well, I haven't smoked for *9* days now and I was expecting myself to be in total agony and grumpy and everything, but you know what, I'M HAPPIER!!! 3 people today alone told me I am cheery and my face is lit up. YAY! It's true, I do feel way better about myself! I have been smiling and laughing ever since I went on Chantix. I just feel like I'm free finally. The doctor also gave me Wellbutrin so I am taking both right now to help with the cigarette cravings. They are both working GREAT. I still have slight cravings from time to time but I just tell myself "no" or distract myself with something else and the feelings usually pass. I have been snacking like crazy though because the physical part of smoking is still kind of there.. so guess what's next on my to-do list - DIET.

I had a mole removed on my back last week and now I have 2 stitches. :( I'm going to ask a nurse around here to pull them out for me soon - probably Anna because she loves doing stuff like that out of the norm of her everyday job lol. Once I had an infected scraped knee and she was more than happy to drain it for me. She was actually excited to do it! LMFAO. Only in a hospital. It's such a unique place to work at LOL I love it. Yeah but I have to go back in to dermatology AGAIN to get 2 more moles removed - on one my palm (of all places) and another between my toes. They are in complicated spots so I have to have a surgeon do it and get a local anthesia. UGH. The moles have to be sent to be biopsed and if they find that it's cancer I guess they have to do more tests on me and crap. I almost told the doctor I'm going to donate my moles to Bodies Revealed LMAO. I was actually giggling from thinking about it as he was removing the other one from my back- lol. The doctor was probably like wth?? lol. For those of you that don't know what that is, check it out here http://www.bodiesrevealed.com/ and find out! It's a really neat human body exhibit. :)

OOOh so excited, my package is here waiting for me at the post office. I ordered new charms to make earrings out of so I will probably be doing that tonight. I got a bunch of Disney stuff and other misc. goodies. :) I am definitely going to be working more on Jennlee this weekend too. I have a Heart Walk to go to on Saturday morning (walk for cancer) but after that I am going to hunker down!

Peace out until next time - :) <3 <3

Chantix and Medical Issues

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:25:00 +0000

Well it's day 4 that I have started taking Chantix. You can smoke up to a week on this stuff so I've been trying to smoke as much as I can before I have to stop lol. My official quit date is May 19th. So far I feel very strange. I can't describe the feeling but it's almost like I'm floating in water. My brain feels weird too.. like I'm half asleep or something. Yesterday Staci (one of my bosses - I have 2-aren't I lucky lol) looked right at me and asked a question and i just looked right at her and didn't say anything. Like my brain just temporarily stopped working lol. And someone else tried to ask me something too and it went in but went right back out. I was like "Huh?" I'm supposed to be on this for 12 weeks too lol... not sure if these are normal side affects or what but hopefully everyone can put up with me for that long while I'm taking these. I heard a lot of bad things about these pills and a lot of good things, too.. there is a lot of mixed feelings. I guess that's with every drug though. Everybody reacts differently to different meds. My only complaint so far is the PRICE - It's very expensive ($120/mo) so I'm just hoping it WORKS! So far my cravings have gone down a little bit. yesterday I was lighting up cigs and taking two puffs and then putting them out. So I guess it's starting to work. But we'll see.
If anyone is worried or wondering - my home is SMOKE FREE! I do NOT smoke anywhere indoors, not even my own car!!

I have a dermatology appnt on Tuesday. The doctor noticed more suspicious/dark moles on my back that could be cancerous so I have to get them checked out. She was even more worried when I told her I DID have one that was melanoma (skin cancer) a few years ago and they had to remove it. I do have quite a few moles that are almost black looking. I don't understand why because I'm barely in the sun that long?? Why do I have skin cancer? She told me I better start wearing sunscreen and I think she's right. I have way too many medical problems for being 29. I seriously have a mile long list of all these crazy things that have happened to me over the years. Maybe I should make it into a blog entry lol. My poor mom I was always freaking her out going to the hospital and stuff lol. Aww she's so sweet though, she was always with me helping me out. God I love my mom. I can't wait to see her in July.

Anyways I will write again soon with more Etsy shop finds! I think next I will feature plushies and felt critters. :) <3

Food for Thought for Etsy

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Sat, 10 May 2008 21:12:00 +0000

Mmmm!! Yummy "Where's The Beef" cookies by The Fetching Hound's shop http://thefetchinghound.etsy.com/. Aren't these awesome? They are made out of cookies, peppermint patties, shredded coconut, and topped with seasame seeds. Lol. She also has these neat suishi rolls that are made out of rice krispie treats. Yummy!!

Another of my favorite food Etsians is DoubleDippedSweets (http://doubledippedsweets.etsy.com/). She makes WONDERFUL popcorn in all sorts of great flavors like cookies and cream, caramel, peanut butter, smores, and cinnamon roll. I sent a batch of the caramel corn to my mom and she LOVED it! Please check out her store. She is a wonderful lady and very very nice to work with.

The best snickerdoodles I have ever had are from Sassy Grace Boutique (http://sassygraceboutique.etsy.com/) . Omg, they were so soft and full of flavor! They were all gone in just a few days. I also bought some Braziallian chocolate truffles from her that were TO DIE FOR. This seller is amazing and such a nice person to talk to. She has a very large store full of fun and interesting items for just about anybody on your shopping list!

Yay Going to California to Visit Family

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Sat, 10 May 2008 12:44:00 +0000

Yay I'm so excited, I just bought plane tickets to go see my family in California for July 4th weekend AND Christmas! It's been a year since I've seen my brother and sister, and at least 2 years since I've seen my dad. Yikes!! I can't wait. Somebody better take me to Disneyland and the beach is all I've got to say lol! And I better eat an In n Out burger while I have the chance.

ROFL my cat is burrowing underneath my bed covers like a burrito, and making these funny noises while he's doing it. He's so cute. My little 13 pounder of love. lol!

David Cook was in town Friday. It was HUGE NEWS around here omg. They were following him around like the papparatzi. I didn't go to any of the events. I wanted to see him live, but not like that.. like some little groupie. I get really uncomfortable in huge crowds like that too, so I just sat at home and watched from the tv. He was literally only like a few miles away from my house. lol.

I haven't been making much jewelry for jennleejewelry lately. I just haven't had the energy. :( I've been working a lot on my other store http://dvrdown.etsy.com/ and making a few things there. Most of the time I have just been sleeping.

I went to the doctor yesterday and got a Rx for CHANTIX, which is a stop smoking aid that has a high success rate. It was $120 because it's not covered by my insurance, BUT think of how much money I will save in the long run for not having to buy cigs!! I am going to start Chantix in a few weeks. They said to make a quit date and I think I'll wait until Memorial Day to stop since I won't be at work that day. I hope this works. I am so tired of smoking.

Some Interesting Stories About Me

dvrdown24@aol.com (dvrdown) — Mon, 05 May 2008 20:13:00 +0000

Who doesn't like reading about some interesting stories? :)

The Jar of Acid
I remember this one very clearly. I think I must have been about 5 or 6 at the time, and I was wandering around my dad's shop (he owned an electronics manufacturing company for many, many years). I stopped at one table where there were two large jars filled with clear liquid. For whatever reason I dipped my hand into one of the jars. Later on I found out I had chosen the jar full of WATER. The other jar was full of acid that would have burned me in a second!

The Train
One day I was driving to school and stopped at a red light. As I was waiting the train signals starting flashing for an oncomming train approaching. I looked to my right and saw the train, and as I looked at it all of the sudden I felt this sickening feeling that something bad was going to happen on that train. I actually heard screeching metal and people screaming. Shuddering, I went about my day. The very next day I had learned the alarming news that a man had died THAT SAME DAY at that VERY SAME INTERSECTION by a train crashing into his car!

The Scary Scuba Diving Incident
One fine morning I went on a scuba diving trip with my sister Kristi in Catalina. It had been awhile since I had done scuba, and I had lost a bunch of weight recently, but of course I didn't think about those things and packed my weight belt as I had BEFORE LOSING WEIGHT. On our first dive, I completely sunk like a stone! Luckily I was able to inflate some air into my BC vest (bouyance compensator) so I could compensate for the weight. On our next dive, I took out some of my weights from my weight belt, but I ended up taking out too much, because I was literally struggling to stay down in the water. I actually had to hold a large boulder rock (about a foot long) to stay down lol.. Well, you can only hold a rock for so long and it must have slipped out of my hands or something, but I lost my grip and up I flew! From 30 feet to 0 in literally a few seconds. For those of you that don't know, this is EXTREMELY dangerous! Going too fast like that from being underwater can put nitrogen bubbles into your blood aka "the bends" and paralize you or cause death if you don't get treated right away. And treatment - the hyperbaric chamber - is NOT cheap, and not many people have them readily available! Well luckily as I was bobbing at the top I could still feel my arms and legs.. no tingling.. just felt shaky and tired and SCARED out of my mind. Needless to say I still love scuba, but omg I am so much more careful now. You HAVE to be with diving!

The Near Death Experience
This has been the scariest moment of my entire life. In the summer of 1999, I was experimenting with drugs (I was 19 at the time). Uneducated and totally oblivious to any danger, I decided to snort some cocaine with my friend Lee. I did 3 lines. Then later (about an hour or so), he hands me a joint. I take a few LARGE hits. All of the sudden I felt like my breathing was getting extremely shallow and I was going to die. I know with pot you get hallucinations and paranoia, but NOT LIKE THIS. Lee for some reason or another was getting mad at me complaining about my chest hurting and refused to take me to the hospital. I kept pleading with him to take me. He said I was fine and ended up driving me home. I was dropped off at my house and I crawled upstairs to my room. I remember looking at my face in the mirror before I laid down in my bed - it was ashen and gray. I laid down and I remembered not being able to breathe - like my breathing had stopped completely. And that's when I saw God.

God came before me as a white figure, with gold stars circling around his waist. He was telling me it was my time to go. I said NO I don't want to! And then I found myself in a tunnel. At the end of this tunnel were peaceful blue skies and puffy clouds. It felt warm and so inviting.. and I knew if I went there all my pain and suffereing would go away instantly. But I kept fighting to stay back.. to stay away from the tunnel. I kept pleading for my life. Somewhere as I was pleading I was given glipses of my life. But it was strange because it wasn't "my life flashing before my eyes" but future events. And they did flash in front of me. THey started out as yellow/black images, to full color, to fade away into nothing. I saw myself getting married, having 2 kids running around in the grass, me being in front of a bunch of lights, a baseball player (my son maybe?) and 2 old people smiling and waving (me?). THEN everything faded to black and I saw a blonde haired boy sitting on a fence. He looked like nobody I had ever seen before in my life, but he smiled at me. I asked him if he was my guardian angel and he just smiled and told me everything was going to be ok. Then he faded away and I was in the tunnel again! I kept begging god to let me live please please please and suddenly I felt a tremendous pressure, like I was being pushed, and the tunnel started going backwards and it was then that I was able to open my eyes and take a breath. I had literally stopped breathing. I have no idea how long I was unconscious for or what, but my mom did take me to the hospital that night. Fearful of going to jail, I didn't tell anybody about the cocaine, so they didn't do any blood checks. But later when I told my story to the doctor, he believed I had smoked pot laced with LSD. The fact that I mixed was why I just completely shut down. In my body that night was alcohol, lithium (misdiagnosis of bipolar), creatine, epehdra (when it was legal), cocaine, pot, and possibly LSD.

Lee is not my friend anymore. I also found out you cannot go to jail simply for having cocaine in your system. I had trouble going to sleep for years after this happened to me, fearful that I wouldn't wake up. I used to ask my mom to watch me go to bed to make sure I was breathing. I was so afraid I was going to die in my sleep!

This experience has brought me closer to God and has made me more spiritual of a person. I was extremely lucky I didn't die. I am here for a reason. I was saved. And that feels pretty good. :)