Freedom From Food

I just stepped on the scale and almost cried. I lost 7 lbs! As a recovering binge eater/bulimic, this is AWESOME news. I have noticed too, that snacks I have bought 2 weeks ago are still on the shelf. Maybe even 3 weeks ago. This is also a first for me in about 2 years. Usually when I buy a snack item, it's gone in a day or so. The entire box/bag. I'm so proud of myself!!! Does this mean I'm healed of all eating disorders? When can I actually say I'm healed, anyways? I mean how do you know when you've fully recovered? Or are you always in recovery?

Wow, what a nice feeling I'm experiencing right now. I just feel so much more relaxed with my relationship with food, and my body. I'm not obsessing anymore about every little calorie (like I used to). I used to mentally add up in my head how much I ate for the day, and how much I had left to eat. Isn't that sad? Now I just eat what I want. For example, I used to purposely not eat cheese or peanut butter because it was "fattening" but you know what, f-that. I had a Subway sandwich the other day with Pepperjack cheese (for the first time in probably 10 yrs) and you know what, it was f*cking good too. haha. So the hell with it you know. I think that's why I'm losing weight, too. Because I'm not depriving my body of anything now, so I don't crave anything. I hardly even eat sugar anymore, and I've been eating salads like crazy. STRANGE!! I love this newfound freedom!!

Woot!!!

My past 3 years of hell

Kevin is finally back from his Moab trip! We didn't get too talk too much because he came home right when I had to get ready for work, but we will definitely catch up tonight. ;) He was gone 10 days. Way too long.. I almost felt like a part of me was ripped away. I have never missed someone so badly before, and here I was stuck in med hold in basic training for 3 months!!! 10 days, lol and I couldn't even handle it. Geezzzz.

Anyways, my thoughts this morning are a bit dark, despite Kevin's return. Actually it has a lot to do with him and how he has transformed my life around for the better. Allow me to explain..

As most of you know, I originally moved to Kansas 3 years ago to be with my ex (let's call him "Jack"). Jack and I had dated long distance for about a year before I actually decided to move. There were tons of warning signs that Jack was well, a jackass, but I overlooked them or was blinded or something, I don't know. One of the first red flags was when Jack told me absoutely never in his entire life would he move to CA. Never, never, never. Didn't even consider moving for me.. I had to move for HIM. Yet a few years later, he was thinking about moving to Orange County, CA if one of his contacts offered him a job. Hmm. And then, when I did eventually pack up all my shit for the 3 day trip to Kansas, he refused to fly out to help me. He was too busy with work, he said. I had to move across the country alone. Mind you, I am a big girl and can take care of myself, but that's not the point. A man should have a protective nature for his women built in to his system. I know if I was a man I wouldn't be comfortable having my woman drive alone with a uhaul for 3 days. Even when I used to fly out to Kansas to visit him (which was about 95% me visiting him), he would stay in his car sometimes to "keep the car warm for me." I now realize it was b/c he was cold and wanted to stay warm. He didn't give a crap about me or he would have gotten out of the car and waited for me in the airport. With Jack it was every man for himself. Everyone must take care of themselves. "I was raised that way." was his explaination, and I was supposed to accept it. I protested of course.. oh did I protest and stand my ground. It drove him absolutely bonkers when I would stand up for myself and fight with him. I was accused of many things, including selfish, "wanting someone to take care of me like a princess", spoiled, in need of counseling, depressed, messed up, needy, etc. etc. etc. It went on so long that finally I started believing it was true! That I was the f*cked up one. I was thinking to myself, "man I'm a horrible girlfriend.. I better stay with Jack b/c I probably won't find someone else who wants to be with me." and the emotional/verbal abuse began.

I left Jack and moved into my own place only *3 months* after I had moved to Kansas. I remember thinking how free I felt living in my own apt, away from his shit and shenanigans. But after a few bad dates with other guys, I came crying back to him in the same belief that no one would love me like Jack had. He comforted me and made me feel good (on his good days), and I remembered those good moments over the bad, so it made me want to stay. Jack was a kind hearted person, but with a mean core that came out whenever he would lose control or whenever something wasn't going his way. He was literally like Dr. Jekkl and Mr. Hyde. I too, was like that when I was around him. I would be really sweet and kind and then whenever something happened that set him off, or if he did something to set me off, I would swing into a rage too. I threw things at him, screamed in his face, called him names, called the cops on him, pushed him, cried endlessly, suffered bad panic attacks.. the list goes on. I hated myself for who I was and what I had become. I mean that just wasn't me in that body. I had literally lost my soul by being with this man. He took it away from me like he took so many other things away from me, one being my freedom.

I remember feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I had to ask permission to go anywhere.. he didn't demand I do that, but I had to, otherwise it would just create more problems. I tried to be as nice as possible to him so I wouldn't upset him (literally, like walking on eggshells). Every little thing used to set him off. If I was to go out, I had to break down every little detail to him: where I was going, when I would be back, who was going to be there, etc. etc. Then he would pout and fall silent and say "have fun." He made me feel very guilty for wanting to go out with my friends, so I usually just canceled and stayed home to be with him. I felt awful for not asking him along, but at the same time I never wanted him there because he just wasn't fun to be with. Every time Jack and I went out to a public place, he would grow silent and not say a word and look around nervously. We couldn't go to any restaurants that were crowded because of his social anxiety, and if we did go, he would barely say 2 words or talk so quietly I had to keep saying "WHAT?" It was total hell going anywhere with him. And I had zero friends b/c I always declined invites. So, I became a prisoner in my own home. I actually enjoyed going to work just to get away from him, and cringed whenever I heard him coming home. I used to have 2 jobs at that time, the hospital and cracker barrel, both of which I enjoyed very much. We never did anything on the weekends so I worked weekends at cracker barrel. It was a lot of fun for me to get out of the house. Yet, Jack did not like that. He pleaded with me to quit so that we can spend more time together, so when my manager pissed me off about something minor, I did just that - quit. In my heart I didn't really want to leave CB, but at the same time I wanted to make Jack happy, and I did want to spend more time with him, so I decided that was best. Jack promised me we would do more things together on the weekends. Did he fulfill his promise.. nope. Not having a weekend job just drove me more and more into despair because I had to be home more. My mom commented to me just recently that during my entire relationship with Jack, she had never, NEVER seen me so depressed in her entire life. She was right; I was completely miserable. The tears always fell day in and day out. The screaming and yelling continued. And because I felt I was the main problem, because he made me feel that way, I stayed with Jack, determined to show him I was a decent and sweet human being.

Other examples of living with a control freak/abusive person:

- Used to smash things in front of me when mad

- I hated Valentine's Day because of him. We never did anything special. Because I hated it, he didn't try to make it any better for me either. He "forgot" to buy me cards/gifts (I had to remind him) and one year we stayed home and ate take-out b/c he didn't want to battle the crowds. oh and when he did buy me roses, he would comment how expensive they were, making me feel guilty for living.

- Laughed when I asked him if he could cook for us. We used to cook our own separate meals, buy food separate, & keep things separate. We never shared anything. He would make lavish meals for himself like bbq pizza and I would stand there hovering like a hungry dog without a bone, waiting for a piece. I would get so happy just to have a piece of his creation and feel unworthy of having seconds.. lol.

- Bills were broken down to the last cent. Literally.

- Refused to let me park in the carport. He pointed and said, "I think that one over there is unoccupied." he would chide about how smart he was that he found that spot. Meanwhile, I'm out there in the snow scraping my windshield every morning while his windshield always remained dry..and I left 2 hours earlier for work than he did.

- Complained about me wanting to read before bedtime every night, something I absolutely love doing (the light being on bothered him). I eventually had to give that up. :( Talk about restless sleeps.

- Complained about me playing WoW and having myspace. I eventually had to give both of those up, too, because it bothered him. I also had to remove certain friends from my profile that he didn't like, or that he thought I was "flirting" with.

- Complained about me spending too much time working on jewelry.

- Made fun of me for liking certain things, like horror movies or true crime books. "why do you read so much true crime" or "I think you have a problem" were some of his comments.

- Wasn't very supportive. Absolutely HATED the fact that I wanted to go in the Air Force. Told me I wouldn't do well in it. Told me I wouldn't do well at several things, like an EMT.

- Rarely paid for me when we would go out on "dates". Always 50-50 about 99% of the time.

- When I complained that we never went out to dinner and that I wanted to go, he said, "we did go out to dinner.. to IHOP, like a month ago." Like that should have been good enough I guess... how dare I ask for more dinners!

- ALWAYS made comments about him being broke and wanting to save money, so we never went on vacations together. Not one. He never wanted to go anywhere. When I bought him an entire trip to Walt DisneyWorld for xmas one year (ticket, air, AND hotel), he almost looked disgusted. Oh and then whenever he said he was broke, he would go buy himself lavish presents. I remember once he said he was broke and couldn't do anything, but then the next day I got into his truck and was staring a nice new Garmin GPS.

- Called me "easy" in front of his friend.

- Everybody hated Jack. All my friends did (what little I had at the time), my family, my bosses, even my cat. Everyone told me he was bad news and that I needed to leave him. My friend Nick hates him entirely and he's never even met the guy, nor does he want to. Nick said he would kick his ass if he ever saw him. Actually, a lot of people have told me that, including my sister and my sisters friends. Sad.

So that is my story in a nutshell. Basically this went on for 3 years. I became a very scared, fearful person but also an angry, naggy bitch - completely NOT my personality at all. And I never really realized that I was a "victim" of domestic abuse until much later when I finally left him for good. And that's when Kevin came along. :) He is completely the opposite of everything I am used to, which I am extremely thankful for. He is so thoughtful and sweet. I looked out this morning and saw that he parked his Jeep next to mine, so I could get out easier for work. I mean just something so little such as that.. such as parking your car a certain way.. just really touches my heart. It means he is thinking about me. something that is foreign to me. I got so used to "every man for himself" that it's been a little difficult even comprehending that someone actually cares about me, as he does. I am still affected by Jack though. I find myself being afraid to ask for things, like the desk that I wanted in the basement. I always expected confrontation so I am still a little edgy about things, but I am slowly healing with each passing day. With each day that Kevin is with me, my wounds are closing. And I don't want to think of myself as a "victim" of emotional abuse but more as a survivor. A survivor, who has been saved by her wonderful boyfriend Kevin, whom I love him more than anything in the entire world.

The Butterfly Effect

Well I'm glad people are reading my blogs. I was starting to think nobody was. It wouldn't really matter to me one way or another, but it is nice to know that people are interested in what I have to say. :)

Right now I'm thinking about the Butterfly Effect. If you haven't seen the movie, you should go watch it because it's really intriguing and has a lot of truth to it. Another movie that deals with this topic is Germany's Run Lola Run (Lola Rent) - another awesome film!! I'll pull up the exact definition from answers.com: "(physics) In a chaotic system, the ability of miniscule changes in initial conditions (such as the flap of a butterfly's wings) to have far-reaching, large-scale effects on the development of the system (such as the course of weather a continent away). "

I was sitting here just thinking "what if?" I mean I've been through so much in the past three years. What if my parents never divorced? What if I didn't get discharged from the Air Force? What if I decided to stay in California and never moved to Kansas? What if I decided to move back HOME to California? It's so fascinating to me to think about what my life would turn out like had I decided to take a different path. It's a little scary to think about too!! I mean think about it - one little motion can have an impact on your entire life. This is so true. What makes me think about this is when I first became friends with Nick (my best friend). We were at a co-workers retirement party at Jayhawkers and casually knew each other from work, but never really talked or anything - just hellos and goodbyes when we saw each other at shift change. Well, I decided to change seats from my friends and sit next to Nick that night. Why, I dunno, but had I not done that, would we have ever became friends? Maybe, but probably not as close as we are now. Would I have ever joined the Jeep club? Probably not. Would I have ever met Kevin (my boyfriend), since I met him through the Jeep Club and Nick? Highly doubtful. It's so fascinating.. how one little thing such as a seat change. Even DECIDING to go to the party in the first place. I mean.. wow... :)

That is why when I make a decision on things, I think about it for awhile and weigh the pros and cons and try to find the best solution. Because of this chaos theory. I also try to choose my words carefully.. even one word can f*ck up an entire relationship or friendship. So intriguing.

Here are links to those 2 movies I was talking about. Go see them!!

http://www.amazon.com/Run-Lola-Franka-Potente/dp/B000021Y77/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1245797882&sr=8-1ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1245797882&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Butterfly-Effect-Infinifilm-Ashton-Kutcher/dp/B0001Z52RU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1245798121&sr=1-1

Jeep Jeep Jeep!

I tried going to bed about 2 hours ago and couldn't, so I'm just going to write in my blog for a bit. I took a vicodin for my back expecting to pass out already, but I think my body is getting used to pain pills. That and they don't work entirely all that well.. I mean they dull the pain a lot but my back is still hurting and probably will for awhile. Wheeling yesterday probably wasn't the smartest idea for my back either, but well.. it's one of those "gotta go do" type of things. :) I had so much fun!!! Kevin, me, Nick, his girlfriend Heather, Reed, Kevin M, and Cory all went to Kansas Rocks, a 4-wheeling park about 2 hours south of here. It was my first time there and MUDDY as hell! Everyone drives without doors so there was mud everywhere. I ended up getting in a mud fight with Kevin M too, who almost pushed me into a huge mud puddle! My bf Kevin grabbed me just in time but then I went chasing off after Kevin M and smeared his shirt good with a handful of mud. We consisently did that to each other throughout the day lol. He got me good in my ear and I got him accidently in the nuts. By days end, both Kevin M. and I were the muddiest ones of all LOL it was so funny. Then we went to Buffalo Wild Wings afterwards all looking like shit and stinking, but no one seemed to notice!! haha!! It was just a perfect day. It's so cool too that Kevin's friends all adore me... and I love them too! They are such a great group of guys.. really down to earth and sweet (even though they try to act like hardasses - yeah I can see RIGHT through them hehe). One of the better parts of the day was when Reed turned to me and said, "I feel like you're the little sister I never had." Aww!!! I could have hugged him right then and there, but I didn't because I know while you're Jeepin, you're in the zone. The man zone I guess you can call it. But I did call out to Reed later and tell him that we are officially brother and sister now, and he said "OK!"... hehe.. it was just awesome. I feel like all of these guys are part of my family now. :) Pretty cool, how I feel closer to my friends here in KS/MO then I ever have with any of my friends in CA. The people here are just nicer and care more about others. Generally speaking of course.

I still haven't taken my Jeep out, and after KS Rocks I doubt I would want to. I can't fix my own Jeep and I would really have a heart attack if anything happened to it. And I don't like the idea of "honey please fix this" or "help me I'm a helpless female" either. Plus I keep getting flashbacks of doing endos back in the day when I used to dirt bike ride. I SUCKED at dirt bike riding.. always crashing and shit.. Soooo I am probably going to stay a passenger. Which is totally fine, but I know I'm going to get a lot of crap for it in the club. I get a lot of crap now for not wheelin but I don't care. To each his own, right? I don't have to wheel to be cool. :) People that wheel are cool though. :)

"I'm in it for the ride, baby." I should get a t-shirt. Seriously though - just riding along with the guys and admiring all the scenary and flowers and trees... and camping and all of that fun stuff.. well... is just perfect. It brings me back to when I was in college and always camping and having fun with my friends. All the laughter and jokes and late night drinking around the campfire.. yeah.. pure bliss. And sharing these moments with my boyfriend, well, I'll just put it this way... I'm a lucky girl. :D

Summer!

I've been having the best summer ever and it hasn't even really started yet lol!! Oh man, the NIN concert last Wednesday kicked ASS - Trent Reznor sounds absolutely amazing live.. wayyyy better in person. And Rockfest on Saturday - well that was just awesome. I had fun looking at all the crazy people walking around (all 50,000 of em) and my boyfriend and I pointing them out to each other lol. Lots of boobies and bellies hanging out that shouldn't have been hanging out hehe. And I got to see Theory of a Deadman!!! I was so happy. They sound great live, too! There were about 15-16 bands there total, including Shinedown, Rev Theory, Saving Abel, Korn, and Drowning Pool. It was soOOoooO hot though omg.. I kept dumping water over my head and walking around in soaking wet clothes. I was totally happy after I did that though because it kept me cool. And I didn't even get a sunburn on any part of my body, unlike most people... wow. I saw some people that were just completely crimson red. Ouch!!!

Camping next weekend but forgot where we're going. I still need to get a sleeping bag! I'm so excited. I haven't camped in sooooOOoo long.. I haven't done anything in so long and I am very, very, VERY glad to be up and out of the house. :)

I'm getting a few new tatts soon - the pics on the right —>. I want to get the Star Wars rebel insignia and the jinx skull/nerd, but I haven't decided where I'm going to put them yet. My boyfriend said if I get the rebel logo, he will get the Imperial symbol to match mine. When he said that, I turned to him and said, "I f*cking LOVE YOU!" lol. He said I should get the power on button somewhere and I think I might just do that, too. :) Geeks FTW... yeah, we are both geeks, and I love it. We get along so great because of that.

Everything else going well. I'm moving in 3 months.. more details to follow as the time gets closer. :) More etsy postings to follow, as well. I haven't been shopping much lately, so that is why I haven't been posting much. Go economy and lack of funds!!!

My awesome boyfriend Kevin

Kicking things up a notch - it's time for happier topics, like my awesome boyfriend. I have completely fallen head over heels in love with this man, and it was purely by ACCIDENT! Don't you just love those happy fairy tales? We have one of those!! He is so great.. I can't stop talking about him or thinking about him. He has completely revived my life. I felt 60 years old in a 30 year old body for the longest time.. but now I feel like I can live again. We have so many shared interests - so many in fact, that I am just beaming!! Omg! You mean I can actually have fun with my life now, and SHARE my enthusiasm with another person?!? It was what I had always wanted in my significant other, but never really was able to find! Why it was so hard for me or why it took so long.. I don't know!!! But I'm soooo thankful now that I have found him, and he has found me! We found and rescued EACH OTHER!

It's so crazy and strange how life can be sometimes.. how you can stay with somebody for so long and figure that this is the best you can do, and that you probably won't find anything better. I truly believed that for years!!! WHY!?! WHY should you settle for something? I think back now to all the previous relationships I had.. and if I would have just settled, I would have been completely miserable!! THANK GOD I waited to get married!! I HAD to wait.. some people are lucky and find their true loves immediately and get married, but not me. God wasn't ready for me yet to find my true love. Maybe he wanted me to find myself first? :)

Kevin, you are amazing. I love you for everything that you are and how you make me feel each and every day. I can't even put into words how I feel about you, but I hope you know that I love you very, very much. Thank you sweetheart. xoxoxoxo

My dad

I don't talk about my dad much to anybody, because it's hard for me to, so I figured I would write about him as today's topic. Maybe this will help me get some things off my chest. He is in my thoughts right now because I just emailed my mom a letter and talked about him a little. To think about dad is kind of like swallowing back a lump in my throat, or blinking back tears, so this is going to be hard. Courage, courage, courage.. ok..

My dad was the star in my sky, my hero growing up. I loved him like crazy and I was always Daddy's little girl.. yet I failed to notice that he wasn't really a "dad" to begin with. He pratically ignored Kristi and I all the time, especially Kristi. He paid way more attention to me than her and was always telling me bedtime stories and not her. I never noticed because I was too young to understand. As I got older I did start to see more of dad's "absence." He just never really bothered to be a parent. The only memories I really have of him are him watching tv on the couch and complaining all the time. Poor mom had to do everything for us. She was our mom and our dad. When they got into a divorce about 5 years ago, everyone was shocked, but at the same time, I think everyone was relieved.. including me. Mom was pratically in a prison all these years and finally got released from her "cell." I've never seen her so happy, but yet, at the same time she is really stressed out because dad refuses to pay spousal support. He has completely screwed her over financially.

Why they got in a divorce - well dad initiated it out of the blue one day while they were out on a walk. Mom told him she was "so happy", and he turned to her and said he wasn't, and wanted a divorce. Just like that. We did kind of see it coming though. For months and months he was acting very strange and showing all the signs of cheating (i.e. exercising like crazy, changing his clothes style, locking himself in his office for long periods of time, mysterious absences, not taking care of mom while she had pneumonia, etc. etc.). Mom suspected something was going on, too, but I guess didn't want to face reality. Who would want to face that? After 30+ years of marriage to know that your husband is cheating on you? And with WHOM he was cheating on her with.. well.. that's another thing all together. My dad is a very sick man with manic depression (bipolar), and his disease causes him to not think correctly - despite his PHD level of intelligence. He cheated on her with several people, both female AND male. The exact count is unknown, or what he did exactly, but I definitely do not want to know. Does this make my father bi-sexual.. possibly. My mom thinks so, but I'm doubtful. I do know, however, that he is a total sex addict, and has always been one. My family and I just didn't really notice, because we were just so used to his sex jokes and inuendos. Later in life as I grew older, I found myself getting sick of hearing his stupid, perverted jokes. When the divorce happened was when I finally realized my dad was a total pervert. I felt crushed and cheated out of a dad. Crushed because my dad wasn't who I always thought he was, and cheated because dads aren't supposed to run out of the family, chasing their sick and perverse dreams. Dads are supposed to be normal and loving and caring and be there for their daughters and not talk about sex all the time. Was that too much to ask of him, to be normal? Are ANY dads normal? I do not know, because I never had really had one.

5 years later and I still can't talk about dad, or even really think of him, without getting edgy. Talking about sex too much or hearing perverted comments has forever tarnished me as the evil of the entire universe. And I have a very hard time trusting men.. or trusting myself in selecting men.. in fear that I will choose "my dad" to marry. Because as the story goes, daughters marry their fathers. God, I hope not..Lord help me if I do. I do not want to repeat the tragedy that my mom had to live in.. or my sister and I.

So that is the basic story of my father. There is more to it of course, more perverted things I haven't mentioned, that I just don't want to go into. He has never laid a hand on my sister and I if that is what you might think I'm implying.. as far as I know. But we did have to share a world with a very sick man. I think we turned out ok despite all this crap, but the pain he has caused me and my entire family will be forever scarred on our hearts.