Friday, September 2, 2016

Finding the calm in the chaos

Last Tuesday I wake up and roll over and look at my phone. 6:30am. That’s usually the time I leave. I texted my boss saying I’m so sorry and I’ll be in in 1 hour, and that my sleepy ass couldn’t wake up. She told me to stay home and get some rest. I’ve been heavily stressed out lately, so I really needed it, and she knew it too. I thanked her profusely and slept and relaxed all day long. Kevin stayed home that day too and worked from home, and we had a nice day together and even had lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings. I came back to work Wednesday feeling pretty good.

Until I saw the post it note stuck to my computer. It was from my boss asking me to buy more black dry erase markers. I stock these every week in the drawers, and for some reason I felt like she was questioning my abilities to do my job or something. I don’t know.. but it set me off. I texted her being very defensive and complaining that I do the job of 2 people, and I even said flat out this note annoyed me. She was like “are you ok?” lol.. and I said no, I’m not and immediately burst into tears. I have never felt so dissatisfied with my job than I have at that moment. I have been super stressed out lately. I apologized to her, realizing that my outburst was from my stress and she asked if I wanted to go home. I said no that’s not the answer, but that I am calling the doctor, because these crying fits need to stop. This was about my 3rd one in 6 weeks where I just cried and cried at my desk.

So this past Monday I went to a new doctor, Dr. Patterson, who I think I am going to make my new primary. She was awesome, listened to me, and even patted my arm as I told her tearfully what was going on. I recalled my last visit to my primary 2 years ago, when I had major anxiety/depression and I made the mistake of telling her that I drank a lot to ease the pain. As a result, they refused to give me any benzos and instead they sent in the psych team. I was LIVID and literally yelled at the psychiatrist for a good 5 minutes to get out. I have never yelled at anyone in a doctors office before, but I was so humiliated that they sent in this person without my consent at all. Talk about a slap in the face. I went through psychiatrist after psychiatrist when I was younger and didn’t want to live through that nightmare again – they do NOTHING for me and frankly I’m just tired of them. So after all that, I walked out of the doctors office still crying and without any medication at all. I had to deal with my issues on my own, and it was a major struggle. Thankfully this time was different, this new doctor actually listened to me and prescribed me a non-benzo, propranolol, which is actually a beta blocker for high blood pressure. It also works as an effective anti-anxiety med. I didn’t feel much the first day I took it, but the 3rd day (today) I can sure tell a difference. I am smiling, happy, and talking to people. I don’t feel like I am encased in a bubble of torment and pain, and it’s a super nice feeling. The only drawback is that this medication lowers your pulse, and as a result you get cold feet and hands. I already have cold feet and hands, so this is like double cold for me now, but a good cup of hot tea or coffee warms me up pretty quickly. I can deal with this side effect in exchange for the mega mood boost. I read about this medication yesterday too, everyone was raving about it saying it helped them tremendously with public speaking and getting up in front of large crowds of people. It completely erases any jitters you may have. Isn’t that strange? A BP medication working for anxiety. My BP was 140 when I was at the doctors, that’s the highest I have ever seen it and I’m pre-hypertension. So if my BP will go down AND my anxiety at the same time, I call that the best double header ever.

We will see how this goes. I am still on Prozac too, that will never change. The doctor suggested another anti-depressant and I rambled off my list of failures and she was like ok.. we will stay on the Prozac haha. It’s amazing to me how different each anti-depressant is, and what works for some doesn’t work for others. You have to keep trying them to figure out which one is good for your body. And Prozac has always been the best for me, with minimal side effects. So yep I’m staying on them, and chances are I will continue to do so until the day I no longer take a breath.

So other than my occasional freak outs at work, I’ve been doing ok. I have been shopping a lot lately online, or what my friend refers to as “retail therapy.” I shop like mad whenever I’m stressed out or sad. I have been addicted to this one website, holy crap I need to stay off of it but everything is so cheap and awesome. I actually had to make a list of all my purchases and when I totaled it up, it was like $200! In one week I spent $200. I guess I can easily drop that on Star Wars figure, so no big deal I guess, but my postal carrier is going to hate me when he has to deliver 30+ packages. I actually apologized to him one day and he said I’m not that bad and not to worry, but I think our carrier was changed because this current one just leaves our boxes right in plain sight in the middle of the porch. He doesn’t even try to conceal them at all or hide them in a corner. It almost looks like he just throws them there. He probably does. He also likes to deliver my packages to the wrong address. Thankfully our neighbors are honest and puts them back on our porch for us. I occasionally tip our postal carriers for Christmas and guess who isn’t getting a card this year? Maybe I should buy some more things today. Hehehehe. Kidding. Maybe. ;)

River started Kindergarten and LOVES it. I was a complete wreck and dropping him off that first day was a total circus. I parked in the wrong spot and got the loudspeaker announcing that I need to move my car. Hahaha, oops. And we were the last ones to arrive to the classroom. I remember my first day working at the hospital was somewhat similar, late, and I witnessed a horrifying traffic accident on the way there. Life loves to throw those curve balls at you.

I really love River’s school too. Everyone is so nice and it’s super organized. I went to the new parents breakfast and the PTA people seemed cool as hell, so I joined, which is hilarious because I was so adamant against it. Our first meeting in Sept 12th, so I’ll let you know if they are still awesome or not. I figure don’t knock something until you try it, right? The PTA seems to have a bad rep across the board, but like every organization there are shitty ones and then there are great ones. I shall try and see. I am not baking any casseroles though haha. I really want to be involved with River’s school. My mom always was with ours, and I remember that fondly. I want River to feel the same way.

I can tell that everyone loves River. We went to the PTA Bash on Tuesday and his teacher told us she absolutely loves him, and that’s he’s great. And his after school care providers are always smiling at him and saying what a good kid he is. And everyone was saying hi to him at the Bash, even older kids. He’s going to be one popular kid for sure. He already has two best friends, Raheem and Laney. Laney and him instantly connected on the first day and they have been inseparable ever since. The other day BASS (before and after school) even told me they were holding hands. He finally admitted to me last night that Laney was his girlfriend. Oh my word, we are definitely in trouble. 

One thing that’s awesome, I met Raheem’s mother before River and Raheem were even friends!! She is cool as hell and we are going to set up a playdate soon and hang out. She is also in the PTA so I will see her soon there as well. It’s very refreshing meeting mothers with kids that are the same age as yours. You just feel like.. one of us! One of us!!

Oh! Before I forget, I submitted some of my snapshots of creepers to Rob Dyke, who hosts, “Why would you put that on the Internet?” on YouTube. I hope he uses my submissions! I told him I have plenty more lol. If you haven't ever listened to him, do it. He's sooo funny and he also hosts creepy stuff like Serial Killer Files and Seriously Strange. He's great, and no he didn't pay me to say that.

I better wrap this up, but I will update more when I have time. I hope everyone has a good weekend. I’m not doing much other than a pool party Saturday and Sunday I am going to stop by Vintage Stock to visit my friend Jonathan. He said he has some SW stuff for me to look at, plus they are having a Labor Day sale. Grandma stole River for the weekend, so Kevin and I are probably doing a marathon of WOW all weekend since the new expansion came out this Tuesday. I still haven’t even pur chased it yet, haha oops. I am soooo glad we have Monday off. Take care everyone, be safe.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Falling Out and Down

I had a falling out with one of my friends this past weekend and it hurts, but I had to cut ties for a while. Things were just getting too intense for me. I hope this person will understand why I did what I did, and that eventually I’ll come around. I always do. I just need space when I am angry or upset, otherwise, I will spew so many hateful things out of my mouth and not think with my head. This is also the way I cope with things. It’s not running away, but more of like a hibernation so I can think things out and relax. I really hate fighting. I really hate feeling angry, too. Life is way too short to be anything but happy, but taking time to myself is a must have if I want to repair this friendship. I think this person needs some time to themselves, too. Hopefully this break will help both of us.

I have been spending a lot of time at work lately doing very mundane tasks, such as making these badge buddies. They take a long time to make – I have to print, cut, glue, laminate, and punch each one, and there are probably about 400 of them total that I need to do. This stack isn’t even all of them. I have no idea why, but doing work like this when I’m upset is very therapeutic to me. Probably because of all my years working in assembly, and how much I love working with my hands. It’s just comforting. Most would be like omg that looks like a hellish nightmare, and it is, but right now when I’m feeling this way, it’s awesome. I have been putting all my energy into it too. Yesterday I was going at it with the paper cutter, today, it’s me and the glue stick. Pop my ear buds in and just jam away into mindless bliss.

I am so glad to have my whole family back under one roof again. Being alone for too long really sucks. I’m an independent person and it still sucks sleeping in an empty bed. You really realize what you take for granted once things are gone.

River and I cuddled on the couch together the other night and watched Indiana Jones, the newest one with the Crystal Skull and the dude from Transformers Shia Labouef or whatever his name is. It’s not the best Indy, but he LOVED it and wants “the other 3.” I had the trilogy but it was stolen from our cabin a few years ago. I went ahead and bought a used copy of the trilogy on ebay for $16 and told River it will be a few days. It makes me smile how much he loves the same movies I do. Well – other than horror, he hates scary movies but maybe someday. ;) 

I ordered 5 more sets of scrubs. Business casual is now a thing of rarity for me, and I currently own more scrub pants than work pants. If I ever leave the hospital, I’m going to try to get back into a medical setting because scrubs are amazing and make me happy.

Facebook sucks sometimes. I am trying to practice the art of just scrolling on by when I read something I don’t like, but it can be difficult at times to keep my mouth shut. I also lost 3 “friends” within the course of hours due to their prejudice ways and beliefs. I guess it’s an easy friend clean-up?? Then I made the mistake of confronting one of them. He proceeded to whip out the name calling, calling me a drunk and that he didn't want to be my friend anymore. I will have to be honest with you, that cut deep and hurt me. But I know in my heart that it’s not true, and that’s exactly what he was trying to do was hurt me. I also know this guy from high school, and most of his status updates were about him being miserable, hating his life/wife, and even complaining about his kid. So I guess before you say something mean to me, take a look in the mirror because you sure as hell aren't perfect either or have a perfect life. Asshole.

Honestly I can’t stand all this negativity and hatred lately. Occasionally I take Facebook breaks.. I’m thinking it may be about that time for another. It’s starting to affect my well-being and attitude. This political season isn’t helping things either with the twats running for office. Thank the maker whoever made anti-anxiety meds, I have been popping them like tic tacs lately.

Star Wars land was another mess today too, I found out that a known collector in the community has been stealing other members designs, and another guy in my group got offended when a “woman” posted a picture of a Boba Fett laying across some breasts, asking for a trade. I thought it was hilarious and was crying laughing reading all the comments, but he said he was insulted. I told him it was a joke, but he got mad and left the group. I pulled the post soon after. If one person is offended, that’s enough for me. I mean I get it, I’ve been offended at things before too. But it was a harmless post, and we were all laughing and praising the boobies. There was nothing sinister there at all, at least in my eyes anyways. I knew who was behind the fake profile too.. it was more of a pun against some of the “women” in the group asking for things and the men climbing over their dicks trying to help them. I felt it was a good public service announcement!! ( . Y . ) Boobs.. gets you in trouble every damn time. ;)

Thursday, August 4, 2016

eCray, Deft Con, Work Shit, Perfectly Imperfect

I forget that I have stuff on eCray right now, so when I sell something it takes me by surprise. I slap it up there for a month and it's kind of like the Ronco deal: "set it and forget it." I sold 2 items within the past couple of days, so it's nice to see that little Paypal icon pop up on my phone. Yay, more toys.

Kevin is at Deft Con right now in Las Vegas, it's a hacker convention he goes to every year. I went with him a few years ago and dropped him off at the con every day. Honestly it's cool he goes, but I am so over Vegas. I went there when I lived in CA all.the.time. Vegas became the place to go if we had no idea what to do that night. "Wanna drive to Vegas?" "Sure let's go!" and just like that, we went. It's only 4 hours away from my home town of Simi Valley, CA. I got married there, too. Twice. Yes, you read that right. Kevin is actually my second husband. I'll save that story for another day. :)

This con is so funny, they do not take credit cards for obvious reasons, and you are warned if you use wi-fi. Last year Kevin actually bought another phone just so he wouldn't get hacked. Lol. He is known as a "white hacker" and his knowledge is beyond what I understand and probably don't want to know. But let's just say I'm glad he hacks for the fun of it and to learn how to prevent systems from getting hacked in the first place. He's a very smart dude, and I respect him immensely for that. Brains are sexy, his intelligence was what drew me in from the moment he first started stalking me on fb. What can I say, I love a smart man. And yes, stalking does work sometimes!! :)

Work is slowly getting better. I have more responsibilities, more tasks, and I'm more involved with my second unit that I cover which to be honest, I love that. I am even attending leadership meetings every week. My other boss is amazing as always. I asked about our raises that we get every year and she made this face before she gave it to me. She said she didn't want to give it to me and that it was on her desk for 2 weeks because she was pissed. The reason? I am maxed out for my pay scale and she's angry that I only got a .30 cent raise. She told me she's going to try everything possible to see about getting me more $$, because I deserve it. I was shocked, blown away, and in tears. What boss does that?? I am so incredibly lucky. I love her, I hope she stays with KU for a long time because I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

I had someone reveal to me recently that they are bipolar, and that no one really knows about it. I was honored that they trusted me with telling me this. I am also getting more upset when people throw out that term as an insult. I don't find that funny at all. As a person that has a mental disorder herself, I sympathize, and I get angry when it's used in a negative manner. Everyone who acts crazy must be bipolar type of attitude. Well my dad is bipolar and so is my cousin, so I can tell you now I have lived through that, and yeah we've gone through some crazy moments, but as human beings they are definitely not crazy. Perfectly imperfect, but not crazy. Their brains are wired differently than those that are classified as "normal," but you know what, what exactly IS normal anymore? Honestly I respect those that admit they have problems and accept their imperfections. That is strength to me. Some of the strongest people I have ever known are considered broken in society. The ones that are broken to me are the ones living their lives through lies, ignorance, and a negative soul.

I've had some wine tonight so I apologize if my sentence structure isn't the best. It's been a long week, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Grandma is going to take River for the weekend so I can hang out with my friends and party it up!! I was going to host a horror movie night, but that got trumped for a Star Wars marathon troop, so I had to cancel!! Boo!! But, there are many other weekends for shenanigans!!

Talk soon and thanks for reading guys.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Fighting in the School Supply Isle

I hate, hate, HATE shopping with Kevin. Probably one of the most miserable things I can think of, and that's not an exaggeration. He just gets so moody with people in stores for some reason. I don't really understand it, but his mood can shift faster than anything I have ever seen as soon as he grips a shopping cart. He also shuffles and drags his feet, while I just want to get in and out of there as fast as possible. We got into it once at Costco and guess what, I've never gone with him since and that was 7 years ago. He HATES Costco because of the crowds, and I am over here like Costco is crowded? It's not THAT bad, and at least the isles are big and easy to manuever through. So we decide to go to Target this past Sunday to pick up some of River's school supplies. The parking lot wasn't full at all, because we left while it was a total downpour outside. He parks and turns to me and says, "Remember it's not us, it's them." Our usual prayer of peace before we go into a large store like Walmart. I looked around, laughed, and said, "There's nobody here, we'll be fine."


As soon as we go inside, he starts that slow, sauntering walk. I directed him to go get the birthday cards for his sister and father in law, while I go look at something else. Stay on target type of thing... he gets distracted easily. We then go to the school supplies and the list has 10 things on it, with one of them being a backpack and a box of kleenex. In Lee's Summit we pay high property taxes, which goes back to the schools, so we hardly have to buy anything for school time. Very nice and convenient, and easy. Or should be. On the list it says, "a package of 3 glue sticks." Kevin pulls up a package of 8. I said, "that's way too much, it says 3" and he huffs and throws it down. Then he just kind of stands there while I'm trying to find washable classic color markers. "Can you help me please?" so he grabs a pack of flourescant markers that look like pen-style, the type for art students. I said that's no that's not the right ones. Then he got defensive with me and I said, "babe, we have 8 things on this list we need to get. The last thing we need is to look like the parents that can't follow simple directions. We will be judged right off the bat. Stick to the list." I mean I'm sure it's no big deal to bring 8 glue sticks to school on the first day, but it's also unnecessary and I don't want to be "those parents" that just can't do anything right. I am OCD on certain things, and this is one of those things. If it says 3, get 3. Kevin is more like I don't give a shit and can be way too lax on things, which is fine, but I was wondering why he kept arguing with me about this. I guess the real question is, why was I arguing with him? We are both stubborn jackasses, that's why. The end. All I know is next time, I am not shopping with him anymore, or at least only if I have to. Good god.

After we argued over the kleenex box size I just took off walking. I had to get away and take a time out before I said anything else stupid. I went directly to the liquor isle (my happy place) and got the margarita ingredients I needed for the party that night. River came running up a few seconds later and gave me a leg hug. Just seeing him smiling erased everything that just happened back in the school supplies. Seriously, how did we live without him?? I can't imagine, I really can't.

Long story short, we still needed 3 items from the list of supplies so I ended up going to Walmart tonight with River after work. Which btw, was way better than Target. Target was practically cleaned out but walmart was still going strong. It took me seconds to find the markers we needed, along with the 200-count tissue box. Why is life so hard sometimes?? Stressing over tissues and fucking markers.

Other than the Target brawl, I had a really good weekend. On Friday I was going to go out with my coworker to Hamburger Mary's for bingo, but she canceled so I asked my best friend Bill if he wanted to do something. He suggested Jazz, our standard happy hour spot, and I almost said no because I wanted a new adventure. Something fresh and new. But he said we can decide what we want to do after Jazz so I said sure. Omg, what an adventure it was!! We were sitting outside for a bit smoking cigarettes and catching up with things, when I see this girl behind us trying to move her chair to get out of the sun. I said, "hey you can come sit over here if you want!" and pointed to the empty chair next to me in the shade. She didn't even hesitate, and said sure and moved her drink over. We all began to chat, and I got up to go the bathroom and I come back and 3 more people had joined us!! So now we were 6 at a table. 2 of them I find out work at KU!! They said they come here every Friday on payday (every 2 weeks) and invited us both back for next time. I said hell yes!! The rest of the evening was spent with total shenanigans. We were so loud and talking about everything and anything, including orgasms and sexual positions. I felt sorry for the people behind us, but not really. Twice a couple of us walked over to the liquor store across the street to buy mini bottles of liquor, and we all did rounds. One of the guys there was such a doll and we instantly connected. He was so cute and he was from CA too!! He had a purse that he said he bought at Forever 21. I thought it was the fucking most greatest thing ever, and I said hell yes you rock that purse hon. I love that more than anything, a person not afraid to be themselves. <3 I also love meeting random people like that, and being open to new experiences. It was just a fantastic night.

So we all make plans to go to Hamburger Marys the next day (Saturday), but I woke up and felt like someone ran me over with an 18 wheeeler so I said maybe next time. Everyone else wasn't feeling too great either. Bill was fine, of course. He can literally survive a nuclear blast, hence why I dubbed his totem the cockroach. So I ended up going out to lunch with a friend of mine and shopping at Target, which was NOT a traumatic experience, well if you count being hit with a football pillow repeatedly. I wasn't afraid to remind him to treat me like a fucking lady, god dammit! One of the problems I always run into with being a tomboy, people naturally just treat me like a man. I hate it. I may cuss up a storm, sit like a man, wear mens t-shirts, and enjoy "masculine" things, but I am still a lady. I am also a pretty sensitive soul. I may put on a big front but deep down, I am like a twinkie.. soft in the middle. I have toughened up over the years for sure but I still have a big heart, and a soft side. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Sometimes. Sometimes I fight first then love later. ;)

This week Kevin leaves for Vegas for Deft Con, this hacker convention in Vegas. I'll be all alone until this weekend when a bunch of us are going out to a pub crawl, and maybe movies later at my house if we can even drive. I'm a bit worried we are going to be too drunk, but there is always Uber and friends houses close by.

Going to sign off for now, but thanks for reading guys. Love you all.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

99% Wellness is 100% Bullshit

I really hate election year. I just saw a commercial tonight that said something to the effect of, "vote for me and I will keep terrorists out of Missouri." What in the hell? I just burst out laughing, this whole thing is nothing but a circus. I'm not into political parties and sides, but I guess I lean more towards the left. Every quiz I take says I'm a conservative liberal. Ok, I can deal with that I guess. I don't like the two presidential candidates either, they both suck but I will say this.. if Trump wins I am going to be terrified of our country's future. I can't stand that guy. There, I said it. My blog, my rules so if this bothers you then either stop reading or gtfo. To put it gently. I don't care if you're butthurt, that is your problem not mine.

My biometric screening results were a bit interesting. 120/60 bp - borderline hypertension, weight 182 (I can live with that) - borderline overweight, and I got an overall happiness score of 63 which is considered "poor." I'm not going to sit there and lie and say my life is fucking awesome and perfect, I mean come on yeah I'm stressed out, I have a new boss right now who replaced my other one that abruptly left. I am still pissed about that, but whatever. I won't talk about it here but anyone can pm me if they care to know what's going on. But they ask you all these dumb questions like, "how stressed have you been in the past 2 weeks?" and, "Are you coping with life well?" Are you? Is anyone? Lol.. I would like to meet that person that scored 99 or 100 on this wellness test. I want to see what perfection looks like, because it doesn't exist. If you are 99 or 100 satisfied with your life I call bullshit. BULLSHIT. The lady was excited though when she read my cholesterol, I got 174 for the bad number (200 or less is ideal), and 93 for the good one (40 or more is ideal). She was like, "omg this is the highest one I've seen today, do you run? Are you an athlete?" Just FYI everyone, if you ever see me running, please call the police because I'm in trouble and need help.

Because Star Wars collecting is pretty much my zen, I will show you some of my newest items I picked up. The Yoda is a handpainted vinyl paint-by-number-kit, and the erasers are from Japan. People usually collect the paint-by-number kits on the card, but I prefer them lovingly painted by a Star Wars fan. I have 3 of these now, Admiral Ackbar, Luke on Tauntaun, and now Yoda. I'm considered a kind of "catch all" collector, I love the figures and toys but the unusual and off the wall stuff is the most fun for me.

I am being summoned to help out with a very important Lego Star Wars game mission, so I am signing off for today. I hope everyone is having a 99% wellness type of day today!!

Monday, July 25, 2016

I'm Alive, Kind of..

Wow has it really been since March since I last wrote anything? Damn! I miss blogging a lot. I was driving home today and thinking about how much I miss doing this. I'll try to be better about writing more, it really is good for me, and helps me when I have a lot on my mind. I'm also feeling like my depression is trying to invade my soul lately, and I keep fighting it off. I swear it's a constant struggle just to stay "normal." So I'm hoping that writing will ease my mind some.

I just finished putting together an Arc-170 Lego set that I bought in a junk lot off ebay. It was broken in pieces, and missing the box and instruction manual. I downloaded the instruction manual today and I'm happy that there are only 4 small pieces missing! 3 little circles on the underbelly and 1 by the cockpit. Not noticeable or affects the functionality of the ship, but I'm still going to see if I can track them down to finish the set. After that, I am going to put it up for sale. I guess this is what you call a flip. Well, kind of. I am probably going to make $30 off this lot after all is said and done... not a huge flip, but hey, it's Star Wars money. I don't normally flip things, but I also know a decent deal when I see one. I'm glad this dice roll will pay off and I can use the money for other things. I'm also just kind of bored. The past couple of nights I have spent cleaning and scrubbing toys from that lot. I have been feeling lately like I need to get out of the house more and I am making a conscious effort to do just that. I have plans for Friday and Saturday so far, and I'm still debating on coming up to St Louis this weekend. I miss everyone and need some hugs BADLY.

I am sitting here right now fighting the urge not to smoke a cigarette, with a glass of wine next to me. Speaking of that, my drinking has been a lot better lately. A LOT better. I used to get drunk quite a bit just to stuff down any feelings I was having, but now I'm at this point where I don't even want to do that. My 30 day hiatus absolutely helped me a lot. Did it help me quit drinking completely, nope, but it made me more aware of how much I was having, and I've definitely cut back. I know I have gained a considerable amount of weight due to alcohol, and I find out Thursday just how much when I do my biometric screening. I haven't weighed myself in months.. I hate to look at a scale now, but I'm guessing at least 190 lbs. I think that's considered overweight for my height/age, but hey, overweight and feeling great!! My life shouldn't be based on numbers; I am feeling good and that's all that matters to me. A little cushion for the pushing never hurt anybody. Besides, I don't want to be thin. Call me crazy, but I actually think meat on people is sexy and healthy.

Nothing too profound happening in my world these days. Toy collecting has kept me sane. Work has been a constant change and I actually felt like quitting for awhile. I was SO MISERABLE and actually went crying to my boss begging for part time. But I narrowed down what I needed to focus on, my happiness, and I decided the first thing I was going to do was wear scrubs. After 10 years of being there, I think I deserve that at least. I have always been allowed to wear them, but for some reason I never did. I guess I didn't think I deserved to wear them or something, but you know what, now I do. And I absolutely love them. What a difference a simple thing like clothes makes in the workplace!!! I feel like I can actually breathe now instead of wearing stuffy office clothes, and no more shoes that hurt my feet. Why I waited this long I have no idea, but I am going to follow this pattern whenever I feel miserable about something. Focus on ME, what I would like to do, and what would make ME happy.

Well I better go put River to bed.. so that will be another hour or so at least. LOL. Kid still never likes to go to sleep. I hear him upstairs above me bouncing around playing his Lego game. Kevin is asleep with a headache.. but that cigarette doe... yeah fuck it. My lungs, my happiness, my failing health and shortened life span.. right? lol. :P

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Staying Sober, No Fucks Given, Rise of the Machines

I miss blogging, I haven’t done it in a couple days and I feel like I’m missing out on something. I will try to write more, it’s also good therapy for my soul.

I had a falling out on Monday and drank the rest of my wine I had in the fridge. :( I felt like shit afterwards too and woke up feeling like crap. I haven’t touched any alcohol since then, I think I just needed to get that out of my system. Being drunk isn’t fun anymore to me. It amazes that after 30 days of not having anything, how much I have been able to abstain from drinking. And what’s even more cool, now I’m not drinking because I don’t want to, not because I “have to” or because I’m taking a 30 day challenge. I just don’t really want to. It’s very liberating, I feel like I am slowly getting my life back on track, and I am happier because of it. :)

Well I will be drinking this weekend in Texas but that’s a given haha. And my hotel is across the street and I will be with one of my best friends from the Star Wars groups, so I am in good hands. He will throat punch anyone messes with me. I told him to stay close and just keep an eye on me, not that I need a baby sitter or anything, but it’s always good to have a friendly protective eye.

My Return of the Jedi collector buttons are now live if anyone would like one, I am offering them to friends and family first before they go on sale to the public on May 1st. I am glad I did this because in 2 days I already had about 85 buttons sold. It’s been keeping me very busy in the evenings and my husband has had to read and put River to bed practically every night this week. He hasn’t complained at all though, which is awesome. I love and hate these button runs, that is why I took a year to make this one. It’s a lot of work!

Last night I went down to the Post Office at about 9pm in my sweats, flip flops, no bra, and my hair sticking up all over. I looked really cute, but no fucks given here. An old lady asked me why I had so many buttons on my purse. “Are you in the girl scouts?” LOL. It was adorable. I was using the automated machine to try and ease my load for the next day so I’m not holding up the line at the PO. I actually apologized yesterday to the people in line because I had 8 packages. I hate making people wait on my ass and yes I am very well aware that I should be using online postage “click and ship” or whatever the fuck it’s called. I am old school, and call me crazy but I like talking to people and the clerks. I was always like that when I went to the bank too, I never used the ATM, I went inside the bank and stood in line. I just like people, what can I say. I also feel like as a society we rely too much on machines and automated shit to get us by. If you have the time, take the time to talk to someone. You might learn something, or they might be enlightened by you. That’s how I always look at it. And before you say I’m a hypocrite with using the automated machine, lol, I am still going to the post office today. :P And I was using the machine for the postal workers convenience, not mine. Machines aren’t bad at all. But it’s still good to have social interaction every once in a while.

Today is Kevin and I’s 7 year anniversary of our first date. :) He took me to Side Pockets in Independence. I will always remember him pulling me into him and planting a kiss on me while we were playing darts. And how I called my mom afterwards and told her that “this is a good one.” He certainly is. <3

Alright I’m signing off for now, I’ll take my laptop with me to Texas and write a little so you guys know I’m still alive and safe. Peace and as Wil Wheaton says, “don’t be a dick.” My general words of wisdom today hehe.

Monday, April 25, 2016

My 30 Days of Not Drinking Alcohol : Day 31 Update

So last night I had the world’s smallest glass of wine.  It was so funny because I set it down on my desk with about 8 min left to go and completely forgot and picked it up and took a sip.  Must be those old reflexes kicking in.  I immediately realized my mistake and spit it out without swallowing it.  The alcohol was practically fermenting in my mouth, it was an unusual and bitter taste for me.  When the clock hit 12 o’clock I took a regular sip.  It burned a little as it went down my throat, and it tasted funny.  It was so strong!  I could barely drink it and had to take very small sips. When I finally finished the glass I actually felt a little tipsy lol. It blows my mind that I was able to down a whole bottle of this quickly and without an issue. It tasted disgusting to me.  On top of that, the wine kept me up late.  I finally crashed at 1:30am and had to wake up at 6. UGH.  I woke up this morning and felt like I had been partying all night, and thought to myself, yep I don’t miss this at all. I really don’t.  I am wondering if quitting drinking completely may be up next on my list of to-do’s.  I like being sober and it feels good being sober.  I will think about that for a bit and decide what I want to do.  I do know that it sure felt good to tell the clerk at Price Chopper yesterday that I had “quit drinking.”  I was buying my crack water La Croix and she asked me how those are.  I told her they tasted disgusting to me at first and they are an acquired taste, but that ever since I quit drinking they have been my saving grace.  She smiled at me and said, “I’m going through the exact same thing you are right now.”  We smiled at each other with a mutual understanding.  I just felt good saying that out loud.  It was the first time I had.  And I liked it.  And throughout all this I have found that many, many people out there are struggling with similar problems and issues.  I am not alone, even though I felt that way a lot. 

I’m looking at my little wall of pictures next to me right now and counting the pictures I was drinking in (that I can recall).  I counted 10 out of the 21 that I’m in.  50% drunk.  That really sums up everything.

Switching gears for a minute.  Last night I read a book to River called, “The Fat Cat – A Danish Folktale.”  It was from 1971.  You guys know I hate that word, but it looked like a funny book and River wanted me to read it, so I sucked it up and gave it a go.  And it was funny, we were laughing throughout the book as the cat kept eating people and getting bigger and bigger.  Until he met the Woodman with an axe.  The woodman fought back and swung his axe at the cat’s stomach and let all the people out.  There was a picture of the cat laying on its back as all the people pranced out.  River asked me in a very concerned voice, “What happened to the cat?  Maybe he’s dead.”  I said, “err I don’t know, I hope not.” I hesitated as I turned the page, but sighed with relief when there was a picture of the cat’s belly bandaged up.  I finished the book and wondered who the hell published this morbid thing, and it was Scholastic!  It was kind of disturbing. I did a little research on the book and it turns out it’s won awards!  What the fuck?!  I don’t know if this book is very appropriate for a 5 year old, so I’m going to tuck it away for now.  Maybe I’ll just donate it to the Goodwill and hope River doesn’t ask for it again.  I am not an uptight person but I don’t think River needs to read this.  Folk/fairy tales in general are kind of strange.. like Rock-a-Bye-Baby.  Down will come baby, cradle and all? So we are singing to our babies about dying from falling from a tree branch, great.  I never sang this song to River, I always found it to be a stupid song.  And how about Hansel and Gretel who threw the witch in the oven and cooked her alive?  Yeah…I’m also going to wait on that story too.  I’m all for preserving innocence as much as I can.  River will have his whole adult life for this stuff, anyways.

I watched this hilarious show last night while my insomnia was in overdrive – it was called “Sex Brought Me to The ER” or something like that.  hahaha.  It was awesome.  One guy had a vacuum cleaner hose stuck on him, one lady had a hemotomia erupt inside her while having sex and swelled up like a grapefruit, and another guy got stabbed with a marionette puppet.  For some reason or another they decided to bring the puppet into the bedroom with them.  lmfao.  One of the metal rods of this puppet impaled him 3 inches into his thigh.  I may have to start watching this show more often, it was so funny and the reenactments were B movie quality too.  You know how I love cheesy!!!

Well I am signing off for now, just wanted to post an update on how it was last night.  Not sure I will continue to post on fb or not.  I have kind of grown fond of blogging and sharing my thoughts with everyone more in depth than a couple of lines on fb.  I actually wish fb were more blog format. How well do we know people when we only read a couple of lines of a status update?  We really don’t. And especially when a lot of people pretend their lives are always perfect and hide their true selves on the internet.  There are a LOT of fake people out there.  My question is, why?  What are you afraid of?  Let your guard down sometimes, it’s ok to have problems and if people are going to judge you for having problems, then fuck them.  They don’t matter.  The only ones that do matter are the ones that care and love you no matter what.  Always look for those people in your life and don’t hesitate to drop the ones that can’t deal with your awesome self.  Because being imperfect is awesome.  You are awesome.  Remember that. xoxoxo

Sunday, April 24, 2016

My 30 Days of Not Drinking Alcohol : Day 30

The last day. I made it. I guess this should be my final thoughts entry like Jerry Springer does, huh?

This challenge has been that. A challenge. I was so excited about this day finally being here, and as I sit here typing this I'm kind of meh about it. Honestly the thought of drinking tomorrow is a nice thought, but I am hesitant about it. I have found that I like being sober and not relying on alcohol to make me happy. And I don't want to fall back into old habits again. The thought of my driving on the wrong side of the road flashes back in my mind. I don't want to be like that ever again. I think this challenge has taught me volumes on many things, like self-control, self-discovery, and how good it feels to be "clean" both in mind and body. And I like that. I liked how I stuck to this faithfully both with not drinking and my blog. My mother-in-law at my birthday dinner even said to me, "no one will tell if you have a margarita." I still refused. That's not the point here, the point was to go 30 days and I did. If I would have cheated a couple days before I was up, I would have felt like absolute crap. I'm glad I didn't give in. And my blog was a challenge sometimes too to write something. Some days I would just stare at my screen for the longest time, not knowing what to say. Other times, thoughts just flowed easily. I loved how everyone was very accepting and on board with this. I even told my friend one time on the phone, "oops gotta go blog! It's 11:30p!" I wasn't even asked why, they just knew. And that's pretty damn cool.

It feels great to smile and not be bothered by much lately. I'm actually a lot happier, and I owe it all to this challenge and my friend Trenton for encouraging me to blog. It's been such a healthy thing for me, and others who have also picked up blogging because of it. I find this all a huge win in my book. HUGE!

As far as my weight loss, I don't know. I haven't stepped on the scale since last week.  I was feeling good about myself until I stepped on and it said I gained 3 lbs.  I guess checking my weight after I gorged out on Mexican food the night prior wasn't a very good idea.  So I'm just avoiding it for now. The scale does not measure your self-worth.. something I always need to remember.

Lmfao, so our kid likes to take his ipad and record videos. Today he was doing it while I was getting dressed and Kevin was in the shower! We just went through them and laughed our asses off. He kept doing close ups of my butt. Then we went back and found all these other videos he made of himself being goofy.  Omg it was so funny.  Our son is crazy.. lol. We both had tears in our eyes.

I just took this pic about 2 minutes ago.  My hair is crazy and sticking up all over but I love Burby's face here looking up at me like, "the hell you doing, human?" Good question, cat. Who the fuck knows.

I still can't believe I did this for 30 days and it's over now.  I want to keep going! I like being sober.  I like myself sober, too.  It's a feeling of accomplishment mixed in with pride, happiness, and not being dependent on anything that wears you down.  I like this.  A lot.

40 minutes until I can drink.. lol.. hmm wonder if I should have a sip at 12:01?  I feel like I'm on New Years Eve waiting for it to hit midnight.  I'll have a few sips, if I can stay awake that long.  <3 p="">

Well, I'm going to go for now.  I'll probably write again tomorrow and give a follow up. Have a great night everyone.  The final countdown...

Saturday, April 23, 2016

My 30 Days of Not Drinking Alcohol : Day 29

I love this time of day, when the house is quiet and everyone is sleeping but me lol. That's usually how it is. I'm the last to go to bed, first one to wake up. I just love the sound of silence. Great, now I'm humming that song AGAIN!!

I worked pretty much the whole day selling off some of my endless piles of crap. I think I took like 60 pictures and I'm not even half done yet. I made about $19 tonight, so I'm happy. I'm working on a few trades too. I hope my Loot Crate expires soon, I don't remember when it does but most of the piles are from that monthly box of disappointment. This current month was just awful, I didn't like a single thing in it. Usually I at least like something but not this time. I'm just not a good all-around geek, my interests are too focused for Loot Crate. I realize this now.. almost 2 years later.

I cranked out the buttons today too. I have about 100 now ready to ship, and will make at least 200 more of the ROTJ and 100 each of SW and ESB. I'm probably going to bring some work with me to do in my hotel room in Texas. I don't know if I want to go to the horror con or not. Sitting in my room on a Friday night doing nothing but relaxing sounds AMAZING to me!!! I'll bring my own horror dvds to watch. Yeah, I think I might do that. I've never been to a con on my own and honestly I don't think I want to. When we went to Dragon*con last year, Kevin and I pretty much said "see ya" because we have completely different interests in panels, and we didn't see much of each other all weekend. And I was completely miserable. I bonded with a few people who I kept running into outside smoking, but that was it. That whole con is so huge I couldn't even find Rich, Bill, or the rest of my friends. I felt very isolated and alone amongst of sea of people. I told Kevin next time we go to a con together, I want to hang out together. All or nothing. He said ok. Needless to say, I doubt we will be going back to Dragon*con together anytime soon. :) Traveling with him is fun, but hard. We bicker a lot and it's usually because there is a lot to take care of. Tickets, did you bring this, did you bring that, we need to park here, etc etc. Kevin gets stressed out. It's weird. He's the most chill person I know and has gone through so much shit - shot at 2x, and watched as the Humvee behind him in his convoy blew up from an IED, helicopter crash, etc and nothing really stresses him out, but ironically, vacations do. The one time you're supposed to relax, he's on edge. I think it's because he wants to relax so bad and the process of getting to that relaxation takes a lot of work. That, and any large crowds of people both make us cranky. Combine all that and we are just a ball of fun when we travel together lol.

I'm supposed to troop tomorrow early but how in the hell am I going to do that and work a full day? I'll be home by 7p if I do that, and I need to do laundry tomorrow for Monday. Sundays are my laundry days. I might have to bow out of this one, I want to get home at a reasonable time and at least see my son for more than an hour before he goes to bed. I feel bad, I hate canceling last minute but I have 3 things to box up for shipment Monday too. I just have too much going on. Plus on top of that, I'm still awake and it's 11:30 at night. I mean, fuck. It's going to be a long ass day tomorrow.

This is my cat Burby (Bourbon) chilling on the windowsill not giving a fuck that he can't fit on the windowsill. We all need to be like Burbs. Don't fit in?? Who gives a fuck! Overweight and belly hanging out? Who gives a fuck! Just live your life the way you want to live it, and be happy.

I'm going to bed before I stay up any longer. Peace out bitches.