Until I saw the post it note stuck to my computer. It was from my boss asking me to buy more black dry erase markers. I stock these every week in the drawers, and for some reason I felt like she was questioning my abilities to do my job or something. I don’t know.. but it set me off. I texted her being very defensive and complaining that I do the job of 2 people, and I even said flat out this note annoyed me. She was like “are you ok?” lol.. and I said no, I’m not and immediately burst into tears. I have never felt so dissatisfied with my job than I have at that moment. I have been super stressed out lately. I apologized to her, realizing that my outburst was from my stress and she asked if I wanted to go home. I said no that’s not the answer, but that I am calling the doctor, because these crying fits need to stop. This was about my 3rd one in 6 weeks where I just cried and cried at my desk.
So this past Monday I went to a new doctor, Dr. Patterson, who I think I am going to make my new primary. She was awesome, listened to me, and even patted my arm as I told her tearfully what was going on. I recalled my last visit to my primary 2 years ago, when I had major anxiety/depression and I made the mistake of telling her that I drank a lot to ease the pain. As a result, they refused to give me any benzos and instead they sent in the psych team. I was LIVID and literally yelled at the psychiatrist for a good 5 minutes to get out. I have never yelled at anyone in a doctors office before, but I was so humiliated that they sent in this person without my consent at all. Talk about a slap in the face. I went through psychiatrist after psychiatrist when I was younger and didn’t want to live through that nightmare again – they do NOTHING for me and frankly I’m just tired of them. So after all that, I walked out of the doctors office still crying and without any medication at all. I had to deal with my issues on my own, and it was a major struggle. Thankfully this time was different, this new doctor actually listened to me and prescribed me a non-benzo, propranolol, which is actually a beta blocker for high blood pressure. It also works as an effective anti-anxiety med. I didn’t feel much the first day I took it, but the 3rd day (today) I can sure tell a difference. I am smiling, happy, and talking to people. I don’t feel like I am encased in a bubble of torment and pain, and it’s a super nice feeling. The only drawback is that this medication lowers your pulse, and as a result you get cold feet and hands. I already have cold feet and hands, so this is like double cold for me now, but a good cup of hot tea or coffee warms me up pretty quickly. I can deal with this side effect in exchange for the mega mood boost. I read about this medication yesterday too, everyone was raving about it saying it helped them tremendously with public speaking and getting up in front of large crowds of people. It completely erases any jitters you may have. Isn’t that strange? A BP medication working for anxiety. My BP was 140 when I was at the doctors, that’s the highest I have ever seen it and I’m pre-hypertension. So if my BP will go down AND my anxiety at the same time, I call that the best double header ever.
We will see how this goes. I am still on Prozac too, that will never change. The doctor suggested another anti-depressant and I rambled off my list of failures and she was like ok.. we will stay on the Prozac haha. It’s amazing to me how different each anti-depressant is, and what works for some doesn’t work for others. You have to keep trying them to figure out which one is good for your body. And Prozac has always been the best for me, with minimal side effects. So yep I’m staying on them, and chances are I will continue to do so until the day I no longer take a breath.
So other than my occasional freak outs at work, I’ve been doing ok. I have been shopping a lot lately online, or what my friend refers to as “retail therapy.” I shop like mad whenever I’m stressed out or sad. I have been addicted to this one website wish.com, holy crap I need to stay off of it but everything is so cheap and awesome. I actually had to make a list of all my purchases and when I totaled it up, it was like $200! In one week I spent $200. I guess I can easily drop that on Star Wars figure, so no big deal I guess, but my postal carrier is going to hate me when he has to deliver 30+ packages. I actually apologized to him one day and he said I’m not that bad and not to worry, but I think our carrier was changed because this current one just leaves our boxes right in plain sight in the middle of the porch. He doesn’t even try to conceal them at all or hide them in a corner. It almost looks like he just throws them there. He probably does. He also likes to deliver my packages to the wrong address. Thankfully our neighbors are honest and puts them back on our porch for us. I occasionally tip our postal carriers for Christmas and guess who isn’t getting a card this year? Maybe I should buy some more things today. Hehehehe. Kidding. Maybe. ;)
River started Kindergarten and LOVES it. I was a complete wreck and dropping him off that first day was a total circus. I parked in the wrong spot and got the loudspeaker announcing that I need to move my car. Hahaha, oops. And we were the last ones to arrive to the classroom. I remember my first day working at the hospital was somewhat similar, late, and I witnessed a horrifying traffic accident on the way there. Life loves to throw those curve balls at you.
I really love River’s school too. Everyone is so nice and it’s super organized. I went to the new parents breakfast and the PTA people seemed cool as hell, so I joined, which is hilarious because I was so adamant against it. Our first meeting in Sept 12th, so I’ll let you know if they are still awesome or not. I figure don’t knock something until you try it, right? The PTA seems to have a bad rep across the board, but like every organization there are shitty ones and then there are great ones. I shall try and see. I am not baking any casseroles though haha. I really want to be involved with River’s school. My mom always was with ours, and I remember that fondly. I want River to feel the same way.
I can tell that everyone loves River. We went to the PTA Bash on Tuesday and his teacher told us she absolutely loves him, and that’s he’s great. And his after school care providers are always smiling at him and saying what a good kid he is. And everyone was saying hi to him at the Bash, even older kids. He’s going to be one popular kid for sure. He already has two best friends, Raheem and Laney. Laney and him instantly connected on the first day and they have been inseparable ever since. The other day BASS (before and after school) even told me they were holding hands. He finally admitted to me last night that Laney was his girlfriend. Oh my word, we are definitely in trouble.
One thing that’s awesome, I met Raheem’s mother before River and Raheem were even friends!! She is cool as hell and we are going to set up a playdate soon and hang out. She is also in the PTA so I will see her soon there as well. It’s very refreshing meeting mothers with kids that are the same age as yours. You just feel like.. one of us! One of us!!
Oh! Before I forget, I submitted some of my snapshots of creepers to Rob Dyke, who hosts, “Why would you put that on the Internet?” on YouTube. I hope he uses my submissions! I told him I have plenty more lol. If you haven't ever listened to him, do it. He's sooo funny and he also hosts creepy stuff like Serial Killer Files and Seriously Strange. He's great, and no he didn't pay me to say that.
I better wrap this up, but I will update more when I have time. I hope everyone has a good weekend. I’m not doing much other than a pool party Saturday and Sunday I am going to stop by Vintage Stock to visit my friend Jonathan. He said he has some SW stuff for me to look at, plus they are having a Labor Day sale. Grandma stole River for the weekend, so Kevin and I are probably doing a marathon of WOW all weekend since the new expansion came out this Tuesday. I still haven’t even pur chased it yet, haha oops. I am soooo glad we have Monday off. Take care everyone, be safe.