Kevin is finally back from his Moab trip! We didn't get too talk too much because he came home right when I had to get ready for work, but we will definitely catch up tonight. ;) He was gone 10 days. Way too long.. I almost felt like a part of me was ripped away. I have never missed someone so badly before, and here I was stuck in med hold in basic training for 3 months!!! 10 days, lol and I couldn't even handle it. Geezzzz.
Anyways, my thoughts this morning are a bit dark, despite Kevin's return. Actually it has a lot to do with him and how he has transformed my life around for the better. Allow me to explain..
As most of you know, I originally moved to Kansas 3 years ago to be with my ex (let's call him "Jack"). Jack and I had dated long distance for about a year before I actually decided to move. There were tons of warning signs that Jack was well, a jackass, but I overlooked them or was blinded or something, I don't know. One of the first red flags was when Jack told me absoutely never in his entire life would he move to CA. Never, never, never. Didn't even consider moving for me.. I had to move for HIM. Yet a few years later, he was thinking about moving to Orange County, CA if one of his contacts offered him a job. Hmm. And then, when I did eventually pack up all my shit for the 3 day trip to Kansas, he refused to fly out to help me. He was too busy with work, he said. I had to move across the country alone. Mind you, I am a big girl and can take care of myself, but that's not the point. A man should have a protective nature for his women built in to his system. I know if I was a man I wouldn't be comfortable having my woman drive alone with a uhaul for 3 days. Even when I used to fly out to Kansas to visit him (which was about 95% me visiting him), he would stay in his car sometimes to "keep the car warm for me." I now realize it was b/c he was cold and wanted to stay warm. He didn't give a crap about me or he would have gotten out of the car and waited for me in the airport. With Jack it was every man for himself. Everyone must take care of themselves. "I was raised that way." was his explaination, and I was supposed to accept it. I protested of course.. oh did I protest and stand my ground. It drove him absolutely bonkers when I would stand up for myself and fight with him. I was accused of many things, including selfish, "wanting someone to take care of me like a princess", spoiled, in need of counseling, depressed, messed up, needy, etc. etc. etc. It went on so long that finally I started believing it was true! That I was the f*cked up one. I was thinking to myself, "man I'm a horrible girlfriend.. I better stay with Jack b/c I probably won't find someone else who wants to be with me." and the emotional/verbal abuse began.
I left Jack and moved into my own place only *3 months* after I had moved to Kansas. I remember thinking how free I felt living in my own apt, away from his shit and shenanigans. But after a few bad dates with other guys, I came crying back to him in the same belief that no one would love me like Jack had. He comforted me and made me feel good (on his good days), and I remembered those good moments over the bad, so it made me want to stay. Jack was a kind hearted person, but with a mean core that came out whenever he would lose control or whenever something wasn't going his way. He was literally like Dr. Jekkl and Mr. Hyde. I too, was like that when I was around him. I would be really sweet and kind and then whenever something happened that set him off, or if he did something to set me off, I would swing into a rage too. I threw things at him, screamed in his face, called him names, called the cops on him, pushed him, cried endlessly, suffered bad panic attacks.. the list goes on. I hated myself for who I was and what I had become. I mean that just wasn't me in that body. I had literally lost my soul by being with this man. He took it away from me like he took so many other things away from me, one being my freedom.
I remember feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I had to ask permission to go anywhere.. he didn't demand I do that, but I had to, otherwise it would just create more problems. I tried to be as nice as possible to him so I wouldn't upset him (literally, like walking on eggshells). Every little thing used to set him off. If I was to go out, I had to break down every little detail to him: where I was going, when I would be back, who was going to be there, etc. etc. Then he would pout and fall silent and say "have fun." He made me feel very guilty for wanting to go out with my friends, so I usually just canceled and stayed home to be with him. I felt awful for not asking him along, but at the same time I never wanted him there because he just wasn't fun to be with. Every time Jack and I went out to a public place, he would grow silent and not say a word and look around nervously. We couldn't go to any restaurants that were crowded because of his social anxiety, and if we did go, he would barely say 2 words or talk so quietly I had to keep saying "WHAT?" It was total hell going anywhere with him. And I had zero friends b/c I always declined invites. So, I became a prisoner in my own home. I actually enjoyed going to work just to get away from him, and cringed whenever I heard him coming home. I used to have 2 jobs at that time, the hospital and cracker barrel, both of which I enjoyed very much. We never did anything on the weekends so I worked weekends at cracker barrel. It was a lot of fun for me to get out of the house. Yet, Jack did not like that. He pleaded with me to quit so that we can spend more time together, so when my manager pissed me off about something minor, I did just that - quit. In my heart I didn't really want to leave CB, but at the same time I wanted to make Jack happy, and I did want to spend more time with him, so I decided that was best. Jack promised me we would do more things together on the weekends. Did he fulfill his promise.. nope. Not having a weekend job just drove me more and more into despair because I had to be home more. My mom commented to me just recently that during my entire relationship with Jack, she had never, NEVER seen me so depressed in her entire life. She was right; I was completely miserable. The tears always fell day in and day out. The screaming and yelling continued. And because I felt I was the main problem, because he made me feel that way, I stayed with Jack, determined to show him I was a decent and sweet human being.
Other examples of living with a control freak/abusive person:
- Used to smash things in front of me when mad
- I hated Valentine's Day because of him. We never did anything special. Because I hated it, he didn't try to make it any better for me either. He "forgot" to buy me cards/gifts (I had to remind him) and one year we stayed home and ate take-out b/c he didn't want to battle the crowds. oh and when he did buy me roses, he would comment how expensive they were, making me feel guilty for living.
- Laughed when I asked him if he could cook for us. We used to cook our own separate meals, buy food separate, & keep things separate. We never shared anything. He would make lavish meals for himself like bbq pizza and I would stand there hovering like a hungry dog without a bone, waiting for a piece. I would get so happy just to have a piece of his creation and feel unworthy of having seconds.. lol.
- Bills were broken down to the last cent. Literally.
- Refused to let me park in the carport. He pointed and said, "I think that one over there is unoccupied." he would chide about how smart he was that he found that spot. Meanwhile, I'm out there in the snow scraping my windshield every morning while his windshield always remained dry..and I left 2 hours earlier for work than he did.
- Complained about me wanting to read before bedtime every night, something I absolutely love doing (the light being on bothered him). I eventually had to give that up. :( Talk about restless sleeps.
- Complained about me playing WoW and having myspace. I eventually had to give both of those up, too, because it bothered him. I also had to remove certain friends from my profile that he didn't like, or that he thought I was "flirting" with.
- Complained about me spending too much time working on jewelry.
- Made fun of me for liking certain things, like horror movies or true crime books. "why do you read so much true crime" or "I think you have a problem" were some of his comments.
- Wasn't very supportive. Absolutely HATED the fact that I wanted to go in the Air Force. Told me I wouldn't do well in it. Told me I wouldn't do well at several things, like an EMT.
- Rarely paid for me when we would go out on "dates". Always 50-50 about 99% of the time.
- When I complained that we never went out to dinner and that I wanted to go, he said, "we did go out to dinner.. to IHOP, like a month ago." Like that should have been good enough I guess... how dare I ask for more dinners!
- ALWAYS made comments about him being broke and wanting to save money, so we never went on vacations together. Not one. He never wanted to go anywhere. When I bought him an entire trip to Walt DisneyWorld for xmas one year (ticket, air, AND hotel), he almost looked disgusted. Oh and then whenever he said he was broke, he would go buy himself lavish presents. I remember once he said he was broke and couldn't do anything, but then the next day I got into his truck and was staring a nice new Garmin GPS.
- Called me "easy" in front of his friend.
- Everybody hated Jack. All my friends did (what little I had at the time), my family, my bosses, even my cat. Everyone told me he was bad news and that I needed to leave him. My friend Nick hates him entirely and he's never even met the guy, nor does he want to. Nick said he would kick his ass if he ever saw him. Actually, a lot of people have told me that, including my sister and my sisters friends. Sad.
So that is my story in a nutshell. Basically this went on for 3 years. I became a very scared, fearful person but also an angry, naggy bitch - completely NOT my personality at all. And I never really realized that I was a "victim" of domestic abuse until much later when I finally left him for good. And that's when Kevin came along. :) He is completely the opposite of everything I am used to, which I am extremely thankful for. He is so thoughtful and sweet. I looked out this morning and saw that he parked his Jeep next to mine, so I could get out easier for work. I mean just something so little such as that.. such as parking your car a certain way.. just really touches my heart. It means he is thinking about me. something that is foreign to me. I got so used to "every man for himself" that it's been a little difficult even comprehending that someone actually cares about me, as he does. I am still affected by Jack though. I find myself being afraid to ask for things, like the desk that I wanted in the basement. I always expected confrontation so I am still a little edgy about things, but I am slowly healing with each passing day. With each day that Kevin is with me, my wounds are closing. And I don't want to think of myself as a "victim" of emotional abuse but more as a survivor. A survivor, who has been saved by her wonderful boyfriend Kevin, whom I love him more than anything in the entire world.
